Friday, October 8, 2010

Day 8 of “Thirty posts in thirty days”...

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.

It was a gorgeous, unseasonably nice day. It was Monday October 5th and Molly had just arrived home from school and the boys were playing soccer in the front yard and I felt the need to “suck it up” and get outside with my family. I had delivered Claire 4 days previous and outside smiling was not at all where I wanted to be but felt that I was needed. I needed to continue to be a mom to my living kids and to be a wife to my husband. I felt like I had to keep some semblance of a “normal” family up. The neighbours were arriving home from work, everyone was in a fabulous mood all around us. No one knew what we had just gone through.

I see this picture and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for having been caught smiling at something... anything (no doubt some wise crack from Andrew!). How could I have been smiling? I was no longer pregnant! We just had a dead baby! And yet, here is it.

I am not sure, to this day, why I kept the photo. Maybe because I needed to see that it was okay to feel happy through all of my sadness? Maybe to show me that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for? I am still not sure. But I am sure I cannot get rid of it either.
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