Saturday, December 31, 2011

Another year farther away...

Oooh, I am a bit of an oversensitive angerball tonight.

I went into my bedroom to watch the fireworks. I have to pass through the baby’s room to get to our master bedroom and I really hoped I wouldn’t wake her. My emotions instantly ran high as I thought about another year gone by and that the wrong baby was sleeping in the crib. Now I know this sounds harsh and those who have not lost are probably reeling over the fact that I said those words as they sound terrible, I know.... Bear with me as I try to explain...

How can I so selfishly want a different baby in there yet be so overcome with gratitude for the baby that is here?

Welcome to the world of babyloss, folks...

It’s all about wanting the one(s) you have lost as well as the one(s) you have even though you know it is an impossibility.
It’s unfair.
It’s heart wrenching.
It makes you feel beyond guilty.
I can’t have both.
I couldn’t have the latter without having lost the other.
It makes me angry.
It’s confusing.
It is hard to separate.

A whole other year has passed without her and I still feel like I don’t want to move forward because by doing so, it brings me farther away from her.


She has brought me her baby sister who fills our days with so much light and laughter and love (as cliché as it all sounds) and for that I will be forever appreciative.

So how can I be so upset?

I just am.
It’s just how it is.

Maybe in 2012 I will figure out how to come to terms with it all...

Have you?

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