Sunday, January 31, 2010

I feel like the dark cloud...

I feel the need to continue on from yesterday...

I am feeling down, selfish and jealous because Claire was born into our family too soon. She isn’t a part of the group anymore. She won’t play and grow and go to school with the rest of the babies that have already been born or will shortly be born into our friend’s families.

I can’t fully share in the joy because I don’t feel like I am part of the group either. I feel like the dark cloud. The mom of the baby who died. The one who’s baby should have been with the rest but isn’t and never will be. I feel ripped off.
I will watch all of these kiddos grow up and compare them to to what Claire could have and should have been. I am sure I will see her in every one of these babes. In a small way it is comforting, I suppose. In every other way it tears me apart.

I realize I sound a lot like a bitter high school kid trying to fit in. I can’t help it. When it comes down to it, I suppose that’s what it is... I just want what all the cool kids have.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

This is how I am really feeling...

I am feeling down and selfish and jealous.
I don’t like feeling this way.
I can’t help it.
I wish I could.
I know it is normal and natural.
It doesn’t really make it any easier.
I am a caring person.
I love babies.
I want to look and hold however I am finding it hard to do it.
I don’t want to come across as cold or uncaring.
I am just feeling down and selfish and jealous.

I am finding it hard to transition from all of the happy newborn news on my blog back around to how I am honestly feeling about it all. It makes me feel really selfish to put up a bunch of baby greetings and then go back to myself and how I am coping however this is my place to be honest. This is my space to tell it like it is as much for myself as for others who need support.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want my friends to think that I am not overjoyed for them because it’s not that I am not ecstatic for you all... please don’t get me wrong. I am truly happy that you have all had healthy babies. It just makes me long for what I don’t have.

I was looking forward to these past as well as the next couple of months ahead as the time that my baby and all of her friends would be born. Instead I watch, wait and listen and get more and more anxious as my due date approaches knowing that more babies will be born into amazing families and mine won’t.

I don’t wish my pain, longing and emptiness on anyone.

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