Thursday, May 17, 2012

Not the only one... my fish feelings validated!

I just finished reading Knocked up. Knocked down. I cried, I laughed, I was shocked (in a few offbeat funny ways!) and I once again felt a little refreshed in knowing that I am not alone and/or crazy!

The author, Monica is honest, waaaay open, sarcastic, dry and blunt. I have to be honest, there were a few times I found her approach and dealings with her losses almost cold but I know better than to judge anyone trying to go through the motions and get through life on a daily basis after a loss... let alone 2 losses. I know we all get through in our own way so I completely respect her for totally telling it like it is. I kind of admire her actually as I tend to hold back sometimes for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings while trying to deal with my own.

Hm. Blogging really is therapy.

One quick chapter was like a chapter right out of my own life. Monica was talking about the fish in the pond on the side of her house, the fish that she never really cared about as they are just fish, (much like I feel) and about checking in on them shorty after her baby had died only to discover that they were dying, one at a time, every couple of days, until there was only one fish left. Her feelings of hurt and loss and failed responsibility were so like mine when we had 2 fish 'sagas' in our home after Claire's death.

"I run inside and throw myself on the bed, sobbing quietly, feeling awful. Sad about the state of the world, the death that seems to be all around me, the profound loss of not just my fetus, but an entire clan of goldfish." (p19)

I could so easily relate. I sometimes felt silly and as if I had overreacted a bit when we had a few fish deaths after Claire had died but I just could not help myself or my feelings at the time. I took it personally. I was really angry and very upset on more than one occasion, (so much so that I had to apologize in advance in my blog post for the offensive language. Yup, that mad!). I felt like death was taking over. I felt flooded. The waves of grief took over again and again and all over a silly little pet fish! However, obviously I was not the only one in the world that it happened to and who had a negative reaction to it...

Feelings validated √
Thank you √

Reading my 2 fish posts, Stupid F'in Fish and No. More. Claire. Fish. Period!, brings me right back to that time and place and head space. It still hurts my heart. And if you have never lost a baby you probably will think that I am crazy (as I have thought of myself on more than one occasion!) and I'm alright with that. You don't have to get it and I hope you never do.

One more 'and'... in case you are wondering, the fish tank has yet to be refilled.
I just can't go there.

Monday, May 14, 2012

3 for 4 and a whole lot of love...

moth·er 1  (mr)n.

a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.
b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, 
resulting in the conception of a child.
c. A woman who adopts a child.
d. A woman who raises a child.
I've got 3 for 4 categories covered.. that's a whole lot to celebrate!
My Mother's Day was fabulous! 
I felt the love from every one of my babies in their own unique way.
Andrew, super husband/dad extraordinaire, packed a picnic lunch and drove us out to the Prelude Lake Panoramic Trail while spinning tunes,
William led the way on the hike and tried his hand at photography (he smiles more when he is behind the lens than in front of it!),
 Matthew giggled and made ridiculous faces while sporting one green glove,
Lucy thoroughly enjoyed the view from above in the backpack carrier,
 all the while holding my hand, 
Molly texted to wish me a Happy Step-Mother's Day along with a picture of a wink she found last week and to tell us how much she misses us,
4 heart shaped rocks were found,
as well as a wink in the walkway,
and one on the road,
 and the first butterfly sighting of the summer was seen... 
always at this trail and always in just about the same place...
 and I am never quick enough to snap a pic! 
My heart is full. ♥
I love my beautiful family.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

Face2Face Yellowknife


It's official! After a little over 2 years of really wanting to start something up and after 6 months of ironing out life and meeting up after many emails and chats with my local babyloss mom friend Jennifer...
We've done it!
Support for any parent that has suffered the loss of a baby is now available locally! Today we launched 'Face2Face Yellowknife', a social friendship group for local babyloss parents.

We will host informal get togethers on the second Saturday of every month beginning June 9th!
For more information, please join our Facebook page here or check in on the Face2Face Yellowknife tab in the nav bar above.
We would love to have you join us whether you lost your baby 8 years ago or 8 weeks ago, no matter how far along you were.
"A baby's a baby, no matter how small." ~Dr. Seuss

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Tasty realization...

William came to realize something this morning...

Claire is 2 years old which means she can now try peanut butter!

Oh how I love the workings of his little mind!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Award winning article!

The article on pregnancy and infant loss that was written in the 'Yellowknifer' this past October about myself and fellow babyloss mom, Jennifer Young, won third place for best feature story at the Alberta Weekly Newspapers Association awards ceremony this past weekend!
Photo credit: Galit Rodan
Congratulations to Galit Rodan for tackling an emotional and taboo subject and for writing such a heartfelt article. We are touched beyond words and are very proud of your accomplishment!

You can find the article here.

All the ones born...

William is working on making a book and wanted to show me what he had done. Included in the book was the following page:

"And Mommy, this is all of the ones born in our family. This is who came first and next and next and next and last!"

(As you can clearly see, he is learning to spell and has a bit of difficulty distinguishing his 'r' sound and 'w' sound! We're working on it!)

He is including Claire more and more lately and it makes me so happy!

Monday, May 7, 2012


What does it stand for?
International Bereaved Mother's Day

What is it?
It is a day for babyloss mom's around the world to celebrate the little lives, our sons and daughters, that could not stay but still make us mothers.

When is it?
The first Sunday of May, every year, everywhere.

Where can I find more information?
Right here.


Yesterday my Facebook News Feed looked absolutely gorgeous! It was an amazing bouquet of beautifully colored flowers. It was filled with love. Bittersweet love because each and every flower represented at least one baby that was lost by one fabulous mother who did everything she could to hold on to her little one for as long as she possibly could... yet she no longer holds that baby in her arms.

It was a day of reflection, of remembrance and sadness, of friendship, and of the love and respect our community has for one another.

It was also a day of awareness and education.

It was a day I am proud to be a part of. I got to send and receive love. I was able to see my Claire's name written numerous times. I was able to share her story with others. I was able to put a smile on a few mother's faces.

IBMD makes my heart happy.
I hope that all of my babyloss mother friends around the world had a peaceful International Bereaved Mothers Day. Thank you to you all for helping me through my grief and my healing and for helping me find my hope and my peace. Much love to you and your babies you hold dearly in your heart and who each hold a special place in mine. 

Do you???

Click here to get there!

Yes, you better believe I do!

Francesca has come up with another fabulous resource! Does her creativity, her willingness to support, and her love know no bounds?! I don't think so! On Saturday, at 12:01am, on the second anniversary of the birth of her Sweet Jenna Belle, Franchesca launched Still Standing Online Magazine. A new resource "embracing life after loss & infertility".
"Still Standing Magazine is for any woman who has lost a child, suffered from infertility, and sadly for some who have faced both. The vision for this magazine is to help these women embrace life in the face of tragedy. It will also include segments for grieving fathers, children, grandparents and other family members. It is representative of the resilience in the human heart to survive catastrophe. We are still standing in the midst of our losses and heartaches. And more importantly, we are not standing alone.
Collectively, we have 16 contributing writers from around the world, all bringing something unique to our readers – such as parenting after loss, TTC, pregnancy after loss, coping mechanisms, doing good in your local community, and much more. Each contributor will post on the same day each month (for example – first Tuesday of every month). There will be plenty of room for guest posts and we already have a few community projects underway." ~ Franchesca Cox
Read it. Take part in it. Learn from it. Pass it on.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Get over love?!

"I almost burst out laughing if someone tells me to get over it. How would they feel if I told them to stop loving their child? It just isn't that easy is it? If someone tells you to "Get over it" what they are really trying to say to you is "Your grief is making me feel uncomfortable". You know what... I am pretty sure they will survive :) Don't ever stop loving." ~CarlyMarie Dudley

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

April lovin'...

Thank you to Michelle (x2), Amanda M., Amanda S., Amy, Talisa, Maria, Nicolle, Brandy, Antoinette, Molly (x2), and Andrew for adding a little love to this month's collage!
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