Sunday, January 10, 2010

Tick Tock...

Not a minute goes by that Claire is not on my mind.

I cry less each day but it honestly hasn't gotten much easier.

I know everyone says it takes time but I don't think time will heal, really. I am just a different person now living with the loss of my babe.

Time will move on and the pain will lessen but I don’t believe it will really ever heal. Because big cuts don’t heal, do they? They just leave big scars.

I am not trying to be pessimistic. I have been through baby loss before and I have never forgotten about my first babe that I lost due to an ectopic pregnancy. It deeply affected me. I was a mess and scared as I wasn’t sure what my fertility future held for us. I am still sad on the anniversary of my loss and on the anniversary of my proposed due date. I still think about what would have been, what stage that babe would have been in... kindergarten? Already?

Thankfully I went on to have 2 healthy boys and I know that had I not lost that baby I wouldn’t have the ones I have now. That always made that loss a little easier in my mind.

This loss hurts in a different way. Not to take away the pain of early loss because I do know exactly how that feels but...

This time I gave birth.
This time I knew that my baby was a girl.
I held her, I named her, I had to let her go.

As my due date approaches I get a little more anxious. So time moving forward, in a way, seems to be holding me back from healing.

Who knows? Maybe once some time passes after Claire’s due date the healing may move forward. Or will I then continue to think of the what ifs? Who am I trying to fool? I know myself well enough to know that I will live with what ifs for the rest of my life. It’s my new reality.

However... if I put a positive spin on it I can make the what ifs spectacular!

I can dream my baby into anything I want her to be! Claire would be the most beautiful girl that ever lived. She would be perfect inside and out. She would grow up to be a healthy, confident, compassionate sweetheart. She would be a fantastic granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece and cousin. And eventually an outstanding wife and mother.

Well now... look at this post! I guess I really am beginning to believe that writing is healing. I went from a sad and bitter little ball of mush to a joyous mother looking to a future with possibilities through dreams.

Alright... I guess it has gotten a little easier, I just needed to write my way through it to find out!

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