Not a minute goes by that Claire is not on my mind.
I cry less each day but it honestly hasn't gotten much easier.
I know everyone says it
takes time but I don't think time will heal, really. I am just a
different person now living with the loss of my babe.
Time will move on and the
pain will lessen but I don’t believe it will really ever heal. Because
big cuts don’t heal, do they? They just leave big scars.
I am not trying to be
pessimistic. I have been through baby loss before and I have never
forgotten about my first babe that I lost due to an ectopic pregnancy.
It deeply affected me. I was a mess and scared as I wasn’t sure what my
fertility future held for us. I am still sad on the anniversary of my
loss and on the anniversary of my proposed due date. I still think about
what would have been, what stage that babe would have been in...
kindergarten? Already?
Thankfully I went on to
have 2 healthy boys and I know that had I not lost that baby I wouldn’t
have the ones I have now. That always made that loss a little easier in
my mind.
This loss hurts in a different way. Not to take away the pain of early loss because I do know exactly how that feels but...
This time I gave birth.
This time I knew that my baby was a girl.
I held her, I named her, I had to let her go.
As my due date approaches I
get a little more anxious. So time moving forward, in a way, seems to
be holding me back from healing.
Who knows? Maybe once some
time passes after Claire’s due date the healing may move forward. Or
will I then continue to think of the what ifs? Who am I trying to fool? I
know myself well enough to know that I will live with what ifs for the
rest of my life. It’s my new reality.
However... if I put a positive spin on it I can make the what ifs spectacular!
I can dream my baby into
anything I want her to be! Claire would be the most beautiful girl that
ever lived. She would be perfect inside and out. She would grow up to be
a healthy, confident, compassionate sweetheart. She would be a
fantastic granddaughter, daughter, sister, niece and cousin. And
eventually an outstanding wife and mother.
Well now... look at this
post! I guess I really am beginning to believe that writing is healing. I
went from a sad and bitter little ball of mush to a joyous mother
looking to a future with possibilities through dreams.
Alright... I guess it has gotten a little easier, I just needed to write my way through it to find out!
