Sunday, January 31, 2010

I feel like the dark cloud...

I feel the need to continue on from yesterday...

I am feeling down, selfish and jealous because Claire was born into our family too soon. She isn’t a part of the group anymore. She won’t play and grow and go to school with the rest of the babies that have already been born or will shortly be born into our friend’s families.

I can’t fully share in the joy because I don’t feel like I am part of the group either. I feel like the dark cloud. The mom of the baby who died. The one who’s baby should have been with the rest but isn’t and never will be. I feel ripped off.
I will watch all of these kiddos grow up and compare them to to what Claire could have and should have been. I am sure I will see her in every one of these babes. In a small way it is comforting, I suppose. In every other way it tears me apart.

I realize I sound a lot like a bitter high school kid trying to fit in. I can’t help it. When it comes down to it, I suppose that’s what it is... I just want what all the cool kids have.

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