Saturday, January 30, 2010

This is how I am really feeling...

I am feeling down and selfish and jealous.
I don’t like feeling this way.
I can’t help it.
I wish I could.
I know it is normal and natural.
It doesn’t really make it any easier.
I am a caring person.
I love babies.
I want to look and hold however I am finding it hard to do it.
I don’t want to come across as cold or uncaring.
I am just feeling down and selfish and jealous.

I am finding it hard to transition from all of the happy newborn news on my blog back around to how I am honestly feeling about it all. It makes me feel really selfish to put up a bunch of baby greetings and then go back to myself and how I am coping however this is my place to be honest. This is my space to tell it like it is as much for myself as for others who need support.

I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I don’t want my friends to think that I am not overjoyed for them because it’s not that I am not ecstatic for you all... please don’t get me wrong. I am truly happy that you have all had healthy babies. It just makes me long for what I don’t have.

I was looking forward to these past as well as the next couple of months ahead as the time that my baby and all of her friends would be born. Instead I watch, wait and listen and get more and more anxious as my due date approaches knowing that more babies will be born into amazing families and mine won’t.

I don’t wish my pain, longing and emptiness on anyone.

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