Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Day 3 - After Loss Self Portrait

Monday October 5th, 2009 was a gorgeous, unseasonably nice day. My children were playing soccer in the front yard and I felt the need to “suck it up” and get outside to be with my family. I had delivered Claire 4 days previous and outside smiling was not at all where I wanted to be but felt that I was needed. I needed to continue to be a mom to my living children and to be a wife to my husband. I felt like I had to keep up some semblance of a “normal” family life.

I used to feel guilty looking at this picture. I felt guilty for having been caught smiling at something... anything... anyone. How could I have been smiling? I was no longer pregnant! We had just had a dead baby!

And yet, there it is. Picture proof. No denying it.

I used to wonder why I kept this picture. I debated trashing it as I was ashamed and embarrassed and worried that someone might see it and think I was over her and/or question how I really felt about losing my daughter.

3 years later and I now know why I kept it...

I needed to be reminded that it was okay to feel happiness through all of my sadness.
I needed to be reminded that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I needed to be reminded that my family needed me to be present.
I needed to be reminded that that I still had so much to be thankful and grateful for.

Most of all, I needed to see my family for who we were in that moment, still able to smile, play, enjoy, and above all... love one another through unimaginable heartbreak.


  1. beautiful Jaime, brought me to tears.<3

  2. Jaime, I use to think I knew that I knew that smile that lit up a room when you were in it. Now, I'm even more certain, that you are one of the most remarkable individuals I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. You're an inspiration to every parent.

  3. It's a beautiful picture. And I've never been lucky enough to meet you in person but I would bet my last penny that Rick is absolutely right xo


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