Day 3 - After Loss Self Portrait

Monday October 5th, 2009 was a gorgeous, unseasonably nice day. My children were playing soccer in the front yard and I felt the need to “suck it up” and get outside to be with my family. I had delivered Claire 4 days previous and outside smiling was not at all where I wanted to be but felt that I was needed. I needed to continue to be a mom to my living children and to be a wife to my husband. I felt like I had to keep up some semblance of a “normal” family life.

I used to feel guilty looking at this picture. I felt guilty for having been caught smiling at something... anything... anyone. How could I have been smiling? I was no longer pregnant! We had just had a dead baby!

And yet, there it is. Picture proof. No denying it.

I used to wonder why I kept this picture. I debated trashing it as I was ashamed and embarrassed and worried that someone might see it and think I was over her and/or question how I really felt about losing my daughter.

3 years later and I now know why I kept it...

I needed to be reminded that it was okay to feel happiness through all of my sadness.
I needed to be reminded that I was stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.
I needed to be reminded that my family needed me to be present.
I needed to be reminded that that I still had so much to be thankful and grateful for.

Most of all, I needed to see my family for who we were in that moment, still able to smile, play, enjoy, and above all... love one another through unimaginable heartbreak.