Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Day 16- Release

My blog = My release

In the early days this was my safe space, my only place, to get my feelings out as I felt SO alone. Reading back, I can feel the sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, jealousy, confusion and anxiety in my words. My posts were super raw, extremely honest and quite frequent.

Writing on my blog has been my therapy.
It has been my way of spewing my devastation as well as conveying my joys.

Reading others' blogs has also been a huge part of my release.
It has always been my way of validating that I was on the 'right' track.

That being said, my blog has evolved as my grief has. I still enjoy writing here as well as keeping up with my friends' writings however it less frequent. I don't have the same need for it although it is a comfort to know that it is all still here when I really do need it. If I didn't feel as though it were serving a purpose anymore to myself and to others, I might just shut it down. I'm not ready for that yet though as I still have 'those' days and 'those' moments when my anxiety still gets the best of me, especially when nearing special dates and holidays, and I am relieved that I have somewhere to vent.

I miss Claire every single day but I don't write that every day. My words have become somewhat redundant and therefore less frequent because honestly, how many times can I say I miss her, her hands, her little self? How many ways can I say that I wish she were still here and wonder who would she be, what would she look like, what she would enjoy in life?

But it comes down to this:
This is her space.
This is my way of keeping her spirit alive.
It brings me comfort.
I still need it so it will stay.

It is still my biggest release.

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