Thursday, February 25, 2010

Nothing new to report...

So empty.
Feeling so alone.

I’ve got so many wonderful and empathetic people around me who would be willing to listen to me talk about Claire but I don’t feel like I want to talk? How does that even begin to make sense?

Haven’t I talked enough? Aren’t you sick of me saying the same things over and over and over... because some days I am sick of hearing my own miserable thoughts.

I feel like I am drowning in my own sadness.

Maybe I do need to talk? But about what? I had maybe 2 hours with my daughter... what is there to talk about?! I have nothing new to share about her that everyone hasn’t already heard! It’s not as though Claire has hit a new milestone... it’s not ever going to happen... her story will never continue, it will never change, there will never be anything new to tell.

It is what it is.
She was here now she is gone.
Done and done.

I want the pain and hurt and heartache to leave but I am scared because if it is all gone, then what? What becomes of Claire?

Yes, she continues to be a memory.
Yes, she will always be with me in my heart.
Yes, I will always remember.
Yes, she will forever be my daughter.
Yes, yes, yes...

But do those platitudes make me feel any better?
No, because all of that will never be enough.

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