Saturday, April 10, 2010

Bowled over...

I just got home from a night out with my mom, my sister and my aunt. We had a fun time, as usual... good laughs and good eats!

However... part way through the night the doctor that delivered Claire walked into the pub. I may not have even noticed her had she not looked up and waved to my mom (they worked on a project together last year).

My heart skipped a beat and tears instantly sprang from my eyes... so quickly it took me by surprise.

I immediately got up and walked as fast as I could to the washroom and locked myself in a stall. My mom came in shortly after not knowing what was going on but my aunt had told her that I looked like I was crying and my sister thought that maybe I was feeling sick (we ate a lot!!).

The pain just hit me so hard, like it does at times, when I least expect it.

I pulled myself together and sat back down and then began to wonder what it must be like for a doctor to see a former patient out. Do they even remember the patient and the circumstance upon which they met? Do they feel a little stab in the heart knowing what they witnessed? Do they give them a second thought and wonder where that person is physically and emotionally at this moment?  Do they even have an inkling as to what it feels like for that patient to see them again after such heartbreak?

It’s awful but it put a damper on my night. We all chatted and cracked jokes and had a good time but in the back of my head and in my heart I was torn up for the rest of the evening.

I hate how one thing (or person in this case) can trigger so many memories and emotions and completely bowl me over... yet at the same time another trigger can come along and make me welcome all of my memories of my baby girl.

Unfortunately tonight’s trigger caught me off guard and made me unbelievably sad.

I have to keep reminding myself...
My new normal is:
2 steps forward, one step back.
It comes with the territory.

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