For almost 2 weeks now I have been unable to cry. I am not sure why. However last night, the floodgates opened again. I am really sad again. I know life must go on and I want to move forward but so much of me wants to go back. I want a "do over". Even if it meant that Claire still could not be here, I want to go and get that time back.
I am still clinging to the fact that I don't have the blanket she was first handed to me on. I wish I had it. Would it make things better? Probably not but I tend to dwell on the little things and make them into big things and then they become all consuming. A blanket would not fill the void, I know, but it was a part of her. It is now all washed up and swaddling other babies. I am jealous.
There is so much that I want to do as far as publishing this website and potentially starting a support group for bereaved families in Yellowknife. I also want to get October 15th recognized in Yellowknife and all of the NT, if possible. I want to organize a Wave of Light Celebration in town for next year. I feel overwhelmed because I want to get it done and I want to do it well and I don't know where to begin and I don't know if I am even qualified to do any of it! (Yes, again with the confidence issues!... or lack thereof!)
Day by day. I can only do so much. I have to stop being so hard on myself. So much to work on... myself included!
