Thursday, November 19, 2009

Holiday cheer?

So those who know me, know my love of t.v. and my love of Christmas!
Last night was the Grey’s Anatomy Christmas episode and I was a mess. Not just because Grey’s gets me every. single. week. but because all I could think was, Christmas without Claire? Really?

I was sooo looking forward to having the uber cute baby bump in a Christmas dress. Instead I am left with finding something that will fit my body as it is today.. extra weight and no reason for it.

I am ecstatic to have found a special peanut shaped ornament to put on the tree for Claire this year. And so very thankful to one of my BFFs Kim, and her future sister-in-law, Rebecca, and Rebecca’s best friend Mimi for getting it to me! What a process! Ordering from the US is not always the easiest route however SO well worth it!

As happy as I am to have it though, I am sad that I have to put it on the tree knowing she will never be around to see it. I am not a religious person so the whole, “she’ll be there in spirit looking down at you”, does not comfort me much. I hate to sound like such a downer but that is how I am feeling and I need to get it out.

I am sure that when the time comes to place that little ornament on the tree I will shed a few tears... and then bawl my eyes out once everyone else has gone to bed! It will be a good cry though.

Who knew there would be a demand out there for peanut shaped Christmas ornaments?! Who knew how much better I would feel about facing the holidays knowing I’ve got one in my house?!  :)

It saddens me that she will never be here for our Christmas Eve family games night. We will never see the joy on her face opening presents on Christmas morning with her sister and brothers. She will never have Christmas dinner at her great aunt and uncle’s, or New Year’s Day brunch with her grandparents and aunt.

I love Christmas so much. It puts a smile on my face thinking of putting up the tree and spending time with my family by Christmas tree light, tearing up at Christmas music (yes, I am that much of a sap!), watching Christmas movies (Love Actually, Serendipity, The Holiday, The Family Stone, Four Christmases, The Grinch, Shrek the Halls, The Polar Express... you get it!)

Seeing people smile and laugh and get together more often than usual makes me wish that we could play out the holidays in slow motion.

I fear that my sadness will outweigh any joy I am feeling... that the empty feeling will feel even more overwhelming than usual. However, how can I not be happy with my kiddos around?! Their happiness, joy, awe, and excitement about the holiday season is contagious... and that is the one thing I DO want to catch this year!

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