Sunday, May 9, 2010


I feel as though every holiday is now tainted.
I don’t like the feeling.
I wish I could shake it away.
It’s not how I want to spend my “special” days.

Yesterday I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with my family... my entire family. But I couldn’t because Claire wasn’t there. And she never will be here for any special occasion. And I have to learn to live with that, accept that, and find a way to cope with that.

It is so hard, at times, to put on a happy face for my husband and children, especially on these days. I don’t want them to feel my sadness, anger, or resentment. I don’t want them to see my tears and to know that my head and heart aren’t fully into what we have planned. I also don’t want to feel guilty over my thoughts of what if/what should, be but I do. Oh so guilty. It seems as though no matter how the day unfolds my thoughts fall back to how I wish they involved Claire.

I want to keep myself together for the family I have here with me. That is what they deserve. They need a wife and a mommy who can commit fully to what is happening in the moment instead they get about half of me while the other half of my head swirls.

I feel as though there is a ping pong tournament going on in my head today. The ball is bouncing and thrashing about and there is no stopping it. I am exhausted physically and emotionally. I don’t like it. I don’t know how to stop it. 

Could someone please take a time out and put down their paddle?

How and when will I find a balance?
Oh, right, in time.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...

Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved