I feel as though every holiday is now tainted.
I don’t like the feeling.
I wish I could shake it away.
It’s not how I want to spend my “special” days.
Yesterday I wanted nothing more than
to spend the day with my family... my entire family. But I couldn’t
because Claire wasn’t there. And she never will be here for any special
occasion. And I have to learn to live with that, accept that, and find a
way to cope with that.
It is so hard, at times, to put on a
happy face for my husband and children, especially on these days. I
don’t want them to feel my sadness, anger, or resentment. I don’t want
them to see my tears and to know that my head and heart aren’t fully
into what we have planned. I also don’t want to feel guilty over my
thoughts of what if/what should, be but I do. Oh so guilty. It seems as
though no matter how the day unfolds my thoughts fall back to how I wish
they involved Claire.
I want to keep myself together for the
family I have here with me. That is what they deserve. They need a wife
and a mommy who can commit fully to what is happening in the moment
instead they get about half of me while the other half of my head
swirls.
I feel as though there is a ping pong
tournament going on in my head today. The ball is bouncing and thrashing
about and there is no stopping it. I am exhausted physically and
emotionally. I don’t like it. I don’t know how to stop it.
Could someone
please take a time out and put down their paddle?
How and when will I find a balance?
Oh, right, in time.
Tick, tock, tick, tock, tick...
