Thursday, May 20, 2010

Getting closer...

I am not always down although it may not seem that way by reading my thoughts here most days!

I have had more good days than down days lately and that is why my posts have become more sporadic.

Not a day goes by that I don’t miss Claire, I have just found ways to cope and deal with my immense loss. I guess I am closer to acceptance than I thought and it feels nice...

Although some days it doesn’t feel so nice. It feels wrong and bad and ugly and unfair and I am wracked with guilt for having had a good hour, day, week.

I struggle sometimes with what I should be writing here. It is silly, I know, but I keep thinking that this is a loss blog... does someone want to come here to read about how great of a day I had when they are down because they too have lost a baby? Don’t they want a place to come to read about how sad I am so that they can relate? Who knows? Maybe they do want/need a little more positivity? Maybe they want to see that the light at the end of the tunnel will come some day for them as well?

I know that when I read other babyloss moms positive posts I don’t get upset. I am overjoyed that they were able to spend some happy time living in the now again and I know that it is hard to do and that through their happiness their baby(ies) is/are never far from their heart and their mind.

It is a really really hard place to be in.

Denial, hurt, anger... those stages were easier for me (in a twisted way) as it was all the same emotion deep down. This up and down between happy and sad and feeling guilty is really difficult. It doesn’t mean that I am over Claire. It doesn’t mean that I have moved passed her. It doesn’t mean that she is not on my mind all of the time. It just means that I am dealing with my emotions in a healthier (for me) kind of way.

I will always love and miss my Claire. My heart would break if I ever knew that someone thought that I was over her... it’s not ever going to happen.

Please be happy for me when you see me happy and know that Claire is always near my every thought. Just because I am not crying or visibly upset in any way does not mean that I am not thinking of her. I think it is important for others to know that while I am still devastated over the loss of my Sweet Baby Girl and always will be, I am now able to begin looking on the bright side. I am getting to a place where I can still grieve but it is not as all consuming as it once was.

I think it is apparent in my writing, or lack thereof, that life without Claire here is getting to be “easier” (eww... writing that out loud just turned my stomach... so maybe it’s not? “Easier” is not the right word... I am not sure what is? ) It is so scary... the guilt I feel admitting that I am getting closer to acceptance is heavy, it makes me want to cry, and yet at the same time it makes me feel... normal. It is the order of things, right?

So while I am not a crying angerball of crazy anymore, I still have my days. Dealing with the loss of my first born daughter is completely overwhelming at times however I have found the last couple of weeks have been lighter and more manageable.

I hope that my babyloss mama friends can find a little light and know that even though I am a step closer to acceptance, my heart still breaks for your loss(es) and I still understand and I can empathize with where you are and hope that as difficult as it is, you too can find a little sliver of hope and peace sometime in the near future.

I hope that my friends who are fortunate enough to have never suffered the loss of a baby can understand that the pain never goes away for us. We all have our strong days and unbelievably sad, down, devastating days. That because we look happy and upbeat doesn’t mean that we have forgotten what we have lost. I hope that you can still talk to us about our baby(ies) as they will forever be a part of our family. And above all I hope that you know just how much talking to us about our baby(ies) pleases us... even if it makes us cry.

I looked up the word ‘acceptance’ in my thesaurus and found many words... many of which do not seem to fit my loss however I also looked at the antonyms and found:

1) disagreement
2) refusal
3) disbelief

I do not disagree, refuse or disbelieve that Claire is gone, therefore I feel as though I have to accept that she is gone. And while it still cuts like a knife, the wound is not nearly as deep and the sting does not last nearly as long as it used to.

“Acceptance leads to doing life differently.”
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