I am not always down although it may not seem that way by reading my thoughts here most days!
I have had more good days than down days lately and that is why my posts have become more sporadic.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss
Claire, I have just found ways to cope and deal with my immense loss. I
guess I am closer to acceptance than I thought and it feels nice...
Although some days it doesn’t feel so
nice. It feels wrong and bad and ugly and unfair and I am wracked with
guilt for having had a good hour, day, week.
I struggle sometimes with what I
should be writing here. It is silly, I know, but I keep thinking that
this is a loss blog... does someone want to come here to read about how
great of a day I had when they are down because they too have lost a
baby? Don’t they want a place to come to read about how sad I am so that
they can relate? Who knows? Maybe they do want/need a little more
positivity? Maybe they want to see that the light at the end of the
tunnel will come some day for them as well?
I know that when I read other babyloss
moms positive posts I don’t get upset. I am overjoyed that they were
able to spend some happy time living in the now again and I know that it
is hard to do and that through their happiness their baby(ies) is/are
never far from their heart and their mind.
It is a really really hard place to be in.
Denial, hurt, anger... those stages
were easier for me (in a twisted way) as it was all the same emotion
deep down. This up and down between happy and sad and feeling guilty is
really difficult. It doesn’t mean that I am over Claire. It doesn’t mean
that I have moved passed her. It doesn’t mean that she is not on my
mind all of the time. It just means that I am dealing with my emotions
in a healthier (for me) kind of way.
I will always love and miss my Claire.
My heart would break if I ever knew that someone thought that I was
over her... it’s not ever going to happen.
Please be happy for me when you see me
happy and know that Claire is always near my every thought. Just
because I am not crying or visibly upset in any way does not mean that I
am not thinking of her. I think it is important for others to know that
while I am still devastated over the loss of my Sweet Baby Girl and
always will be, I am now able to begin looking on the bright side. I am
getting to a place where I can still grieve but it is not as all
consuming as it once was.
I think it is apparent in my writing,
or lack thereof, that life without Claire here is getting to be “easier”
(eww... writing that out loud just turned my stomach... so maybe it’s
not? “Easier” is not the right word... I am not sure what is? ) It is so
scary... the guilt I feel admitting that I am getting closer to
acceptance is heavy, it makes me want to cry, and yet at the same time
it makes me feel... normal. It is the order of things, right?
So while I am not a crying angerball
of crazy anymore, I still have my days. Dealing with the loss of my
first born daughter is completely overwhelming at times however I have
found the last couple of weeks have been lighter and more manageable.
I hope that my babyloss mama friends
can find a little light and know that even though I am a step closer to
acceptance, my heart still breaks for your loss(es) and I still
understand and I can empathize with where you are and hope that as
difficult as it is, you too can find a little sliver of hope and peace
sometime in the near future.
I hope that my friends who are
fortunate enough to have never suffered the loss of a baby can
understand that the pain never goes away for us. We all have our strong
days and unbelievably sad, down, devastating days. That because we look
happy and upbeat doesn’t mean that we have forgotten what we have lost. I
hope that you can still talk to us about our baby(ies) as they will
forever be a part of our family. And above all I hope that you know just
how much talking to us about our baby(ies) pleases us... even if it
makes us cry.
I looked up the word ‘acceptance’ in
my thesaurus and found many words... many of which do not seem to fit my
loss however I also looked at the antonyms and found:
1) disagreement
2) refusal
3) disbelief
I do not disagree, refuse or
disbelieve that Claire is gone, therefore I feel as though I have to
accept that she is gone. And while it still cuts like a knife, the wound
is not nearly as deep and the sting does not last nearly as long as it
used to.
