Day 31- Sunset(ish)...

  

Good night Sweet Baby Girl. Mommy loves you. ♥
 
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada
 9:14 pm (a little late due to Halloween festivities)

Day 30- Your Grief - Tell The World

Day 29- Music

(I cannot credit the photo as I cannot find the original source!)

These 4 songs make me happysad...

All I Want For Christmas - any version by any artist

 Tattoo - Jordin Sparks

If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

Wintersong- Sarah McLachlan

To view videos of each song, read the lyrics that mean the most to me, 

and learn how each one touches me, click on the post links below:

A Christmas carol with new meaning...

Day 1 of "Thirty posts in thirty days"....

Joy and pain all rolled into one...

Today's trigger...

Wintersong

Perfect tuning and timing...

Day 28- Memory

The first words I uttered when I saw her...

 "She has the most perfect little hands."

Those handprints,
(her left hand in particular as I held it the entire time she was with me)
 left forever marks on my heart.

Day 27- Artwork

Lovingly made by my children for the little sister they never got to meet,

  yet whom they love beyond measure...

Day 26 -Their Age

Claire was born at 17 weeks gestation.

Picture and information below courtesy of Baby Zone

Around this time your baby's ears pop from his head and Baby-to-be can now sense sounds. 

After all, he has plenty to listen to in utero! He's accustomed to the strong beating of your heart, blood rushing through your veins, and your stomach grumbling. 

He can also discern sounds outside the uterus, like your voice and music. 

Although, according to the Mayo Clinic, whether he can distinguish the sound of your voice

versus other sounds is not yet clear.

On average, most moms are feeling fetal movement by week 17. 

Kick, little one, kick!

This week your little one weighs in at around 5 ounces 

and stretches to just over 5 inches (crown to rump). 

He is about the size of a red onion.

_________________________

Had she been born on her due date, today she would be:

2 years, 7 months and 16 days old...

Full on Terrible Twos heading towards the Trying Threes.
I would welcome these stages with open arms.
If only...

Day 25- Baby Shower/Blessing

Our tradition is to host the baby shower once the babe has arrived so s/he 

can be seen and touched and ooh and ahh'd over. 

Since she never came home, she never got showered.

Another memory stolen from us.

Another of the many photos we were never able to take.

Day 24- Siblings

Claire's siblings from tallest to smallest:

Molly, William, Matthew, and our Rainbow Lucy.

 A huge shout out to my friend and super talented photographer, 

Caitlin Cleveland, 

for being able to catch them...

all in one picture, 

all standing still,

all facing forward,

all smiling,

and all at the same time! 

No easy task!

To check out Caitlin's fabulous work follow the links below:

Caitlin Cleveland Photography

Facebook Page

Day 23- Their Name/Their Photo

We do not publicly share Claire's photos so I have chosen my favorite photo of her name. 

Besides my photos of her, this is my most treasured
 as it was taken on her estimated due date, in her hometown 

and made with love by my hands.

To read/see a slideshow about that due date click here.

To read about the project that I began click here.

And sadly, to read about why the project came to an end read here.
(I just realized this post would have worked for Day 19 as well!)

To see more photos of Claire's name written
by wonderful BLMs from around the world
check out her name gallery here.

Day 22- Place of Care/Birth

Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada

Day 21- Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

Everything that is her is here.

Day 20- Charity/Organization

For any woman, any loss, anywhere.

Find their webpage here.

 With the encouragement and help of FOLFOH, I, along with another local babyloss mom,

have been able to reach out to other mothers seeking support 

by starting our own Face2Face Friendship Group. 

You can find more info in the header above or you can find us on Facebook here.

Day 19- Project

I have not yet been able to put full focus, expense, effort, and energy into starting the project
I would like to begin however it is my hope to start collecting bears and along with the help
of my mother, who so kindly volunteered her sewing skills, to accompany these bears with
small blankets to donate to our local hospital so that families who have suffered a loss will
be able to leave the hospital with something in their arms to bring them a little comfort
 in their darkest days and have a treasured item to keep for a lifetime.

 One day, project Claire's Bears will become a reality.

To view a project I used to do but unfortunately had to give up, for my safety,
check out Day 23.

Day 18- Your Family Portrait

Claire is always with us in spirit and in ink! ;)

 

Thank you to my beautiful in every way, very patient, BFF extraordinaire, Caitlin the uber talented photographer, for the fabulous family photos! How you were able to find a few gems among the nose picks, tears, boogers, eye rolls, hair adjustments, etc. is beyond me and I am beyond thankful!

To check out more of her fantastic work follow the links below:

Caitlin Cleveland Photography

Facebook Page

Day 17- Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

Most are spent outside enjoying time together.

Original EDD - March 10, 2010 - read/view slideshow here.

First Birthday - October 1, 2010 - read/view slideshow here.

EDD #2 - March 10, 2011 - read here.

Second Birthday - October 1, 2011 - read/view pictures here.

EDD #3 - March 10, 2012 - read here.

Third Birthday - October 1, 2012 - read/view pictures here.

Day 16- Release

My blog = My release

In the early days this was my safe space, my only place, to get my feelings out as I felt SO alone. Reading back, I can feel the sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, jealousy, confusion and anxiety in my words. My posts were super raw, extremely honest and quite frequent.

Writing on my blog has been my therapy.
It has been my way of spewing my devastation as well as conveying my joys.

Reading others' blogs has also been a huge part of my release.
It has always been my way of validating that I was on the 'right' track.

That being said, my blog has evolved as my grief has. I still enjoy writing here as well as keeping up with my friends' writings however it less frequent. I don't have the same need for it although it is a comfort to know that it is all still here when I really do need it. If I didn't feel as though it were serving a purpose anymore to myself and to others, I might just shut it down. I'm not ready for that yet though as I still have 'those' days and 'those' moments when my anxiety still gets the best of me, especially when nearing special dates and holidays, and I am relieved that I have somewhere to vent.

I miss Claire every single day but I don't write that every day. My words have become somewhat redundant and therefore less frequent because honestly, how many times can I say I miss her, her hands, her little self? How many ways can I say that I wish she were still here and wonder who would she be, what would she look like, what she would enjoy in life?

But it comes down to this:
This is her space.
This is my way of keeping her spirit alive.
It brings me comfort.
I still need it so it will stay.

It is still my biggest release.

CBC Radio - Giving our stories a voice...

Thank you very much to Allison Devereaux of CBC.ca's Trails End Radio Program

for approaching myself and Jennifer with the opportunity to 

give our stories and our cause a voice. 

I'll let the interview 'speak' for itself.

You can find it here.

Day 15- Wave of Light

A small gesture with a huge impact.

This journey has been the most difficult of my life but with family and friends who continue to show me and my family the love and support that they do it makes it all just a little easier. It's been 3 years of ups and downs and inside outs. I have cried and smiled and laughed and gotten angry and smiled some more to get where I am. Each day brings a little more healing. I love my Claire with all of my heart and I love that I can share her little life with so many, so openly, and have so much love returned. I do what I can to help others as it is what she would want me to do and it is what I feel I am supposed to do... and I enjoy doing it.

She taught me to love myself and others on a level I didn't know I was able to.

I like to think of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day as not only a day of remembrance but a day of celebration. Today we babyloss moms celebrate the fact that we are all mommies to wonderful little babies that have taught us more than anyone ever will about love and acceptance, compassion and strength. I smile because I have made so many wonderful friends in the last 3 years. To see the flood of love that passed from one babyloss mother to another everywhere I looked on FB this evening made my heart swell with pride over all that we have done and will continue to do to honor our children. I smiled through my tears as I received messages of encouragement and support from non loss family and friends as well. Thank you for allowing me to speak about Claire so freely and for helping me break down barriers.

Our babies are helping us help others and that is to be celebrated!

Sweet dreams Claire.
Mommy loves you.
x ♥ o

Day 14- Community

After losing Claire I dove into the internet. I was on a search for information, connections, something or anything to hold onto or to guide me or to fill my need to know... 

but need to know what exactly, I wasn't sure.

What next? 

Is this normal?

How long will it last? 

Is there anyone out there like me?...

Feeling this way? 

Reacting this way?

Does anyone really understand?

Faster than I could imagine I came upon a whole community of women and families who were blogging about their loss(es). I came upon websites dedicated solely to pregnancy and infant loss grief and healing. I found chat groups on Facebook. I found somewhere where I belonged.

A Babyloss Community

Full of Babyloss Mothers

Did you even know there was such thing??

No?

Neither did I... until I had to know.

There is a whole club out there...

 A club that none of us wants to belong to but are SO grateful to be a part of. 

(Doesn't make much sense now, does it?!)

The women and organizations above pulled me through. 

Lifted me up. 

Cried with me. 

Laughed with me. 

Got angry with me.

Who continue to be confused and heartbroken with me...

They get me. 

We understand one another.

I have met many women in the past 3 years who were complete strangers following a similar path whom I now consider good friends. We chat on a daily basis about all things. It's not always sad... we don't dwell we just move forward in the best way we know how and we do it together.  

The most amazing thing about the Babyloss Community is that they accept everyone and every loss. No loss is considered more or less than another. We wholeheartedly agree with Dr. Seuss:

"A person's a person, no matter how small."

This past May, a local BLM friend of mine and I decided it was time to start up our own local community. We started a Face2Face Yellowknife Friendship Group (affiliated with Faces Of Loss, Faces of Hope) and have begun to build that community by reaching out to those who have lost here in our city. Involvement and attendance has been rising and as sad as it is to know that this 'service' is needed and growing, it feels great knowing that we are filling a void and bringing comfort to others.

Belonging is important.

Knowing you are not alone is really important.

Being a part of an accepting and compassionate community is SO important.

I am thankful for this community.

Day 13- Signs

I never believed in signs....

until...

  One cold January day in 2010, 4 months after Claire had died, 

I happened to look over at the fire in the pellet stove 

and noticed something in the bottom right corner...

See it? 

A perfect heart.

Instantly I thought of Claire. 

I wondered if this was my baby's way of sending me some love?

The glass on the pellet stove got increasingly more dirty over the next 2 months 

but the heart never changed shape.

After seeing this heart, other hearts just seemed to pop up out of nowhere! 

Totally random winks from my girl. 

Wee signs of love letting me know that she was thinking of me?

I like to think so.

Approximately 120 hearts have been found since January 2010

 by my immediate family alone...

And it is with much love and appreciation that I share the following collage of hearts that have been sent to us from family and friends from all around the world. 

It touches me like nothing else does to know that all of these wonderful people have taken the time to pull out their camera and snap a picture because a random heart has appeared in front of them and they thought of my sweet baby girl, of me, and of my family.

My heart swells with happiness to know that Claire's little life

 has touched so many.

I now make a heart collage every month...
If you would like to view them, they began on October 1st, 2011
and have been posted on the first of every month since.
They are titled "(Month) lovin'..."