Like a vice...

Today:

The pain of not having you here is crushing me.

I am completely overwhelmed.

My heart hurts and I am finding it hard to breathe.

I am SO not ready to move into the new year.

Everyone’s wishes for health and happiness? Ugh.. I’ll keep my thoughts to myself because I am too much of an angerball at this point and I learned a long time ago that if I have nothing nice to say to not say anything at all!

It’s not that I wish ill will towards anyone. If I hadn’t lost Claire I too would be wishing everyone the same. I am just having a really hard time moving into the new year knowing that my baby will never be here. That 2010 was supposed to bring the baby that would complete our family. Instead I am dreading every single day of the new year knowing that nothing will bring her back.

I am finding it hard to articulate what I really feel, even though I have probably said more than enough already.

I am hurting.

Of course I want health, happiness and a fantastic new year and I will try with everything in me to make it a good year for my family.

I am so very, very sad.

I’m sorry I can’t feel the same way as everyone else this New Year’s Eve. I can’t celebrate moving forward when all I want to do is go back.

 

Forever changed...

You have changed me.

I am not the same person I once was.

You have made me angry, frustrated, impatient, tired, anxious, short, distant, overwhelmed, and sad.

You have made me believe in a deeper love.

Deeper than I ever thought was possible.

You have made me a better wife.

You have made me a more caring mother.

You have made me a more sympathetic friend.

You have made me a more compassionate woman.

You have made me believe in myself.

You have given me confidence.

You have given me strength.

You have helped me see the beauty in the little things, the simple wonders, the tiny treasures.

Thank you for all that you have done and will continue to do to make your mommy a better person, Claire.

I am forever changed because of you.