Sunday, September 30, 2012

Today hurts the most...


Claire's birthday is tomorrow so most would think that day was the most difficult but no...

Today, September 30th, is the
saddest,
toughest,
most heartbreaking,
anger filled,
anxiety ridden,
overwhelming day of the year.

What I want to do is go curl up in bed all by myself and cry.
My head is pounding.
I have no patience.
I am SO tired.
My stomach is in knots.
The tears are balanced, dangling really, right there on the very edge of my eyelids.

3 years ago today it was confirmed through ultrasound that my baby was gone. 
I had to make a decision of whether or not to have a d&c or give birth to my dead baby. 
I had to come home and relay the devastating news to my mom and sister and ask them to stay for who knows how long to take care of my 3 other children until I came home with empty arms. 
I had to kiss my boys goodbye knowing that they would never get to meet their sibling. 
I had to go back to the hospital to be induced. 
I had to sit in the maternity ward for hours while shaking uncontrollably, some it from nerves and most, I found out hours later, a side effect of the medication I had taken. 
I had to look out the window on the amazingly beautiful and warm fall day 
wishing I were anywhere but there. 
We walked to the grocery store to buy food that we never ate, drinks we would never drink. 
We watched tv and cried and laughed and then cried some more for laughing. 
We laid in silence. 
We cried some more. 
We tried to sleep.

And then labor began.

I was so afraid. 
 Not of the physical pain as I knew I could handle that. 
I was afraid to see my baby. 
I was afraid to hear the "It's a ___. ", knowing that the one phrase all parents cannot wait to hear would crush me as it wouldn't end with an exclamation mark but rather a period. 
End. 
Final. 
Done. 
Dead. 
I was afraid of how I would react. 
I was afraid to take any medication to 'relax' me as I wanted to be as much in the moment as possible knowing that moments would be all I was ever going to get.

I wanted it all to be over with. I didn't ever want it to end.

It was the longest day of my life and every year I replay the minutes in my head. 
I know exactly what was happening at any given minute throughout this day...

"Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all." 
~Lady Antebellum

9 comments:

  1. My heart aches for you my beautiful daughter. I would to do anything to take that pain away but I am helpless. Just know that we are here for you and I think of Claire as our little angel above, looking down upon you and your precious family with love. xxxxoooo

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  2. Awe my friend, I wish so much it were different and she was still here with you. Sending lots and lots of love and praying for this time to be gentle on you.

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  3. Oh Jaime. I'm just so very sorry. Your dear little Claire.

    I find the day before is always worse too.

    Thinking of you and your precious girl, especially today and tomorrow xo

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  4. Big hugs. I know those feelings and they are so so hard.

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  5. The way that you wrote this post took my breath away. I hope that the day was as gentle as possible for you, though I know nothing will ever make it better. Sending love.

    Lisa
    http://dear-finley.blogspot.com

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  6. You are a beautiful writer, and an extraordinary friend.
    Love going to you from across the Court.

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  7. ((((Jamie)))) Holding you close to my heart. The reliving is hell, yet impossible to avoid. I think we must all suffer from PTSD after such trauma. Remembering Claire, now and always <3

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