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| Artist: Debra Wenlock |
Breakfast conversation with Ma, (age 5), W (age 7) and Mo (age 13):
W- "Mommy? If Claire was alive would we still have Lucy?"
Me- Desperately trying to find the right words... "Not this close in age."... knowing full well the answer is no.
Ma- "Yah, I never got to see her."
W- "Yah, I wish I saw her."
Fast forward a half hour once the boy had left to take the bus...
Mo- "Jaime? Remember when the boys were asking about Claire being alive? Well, no offence but I don't know how I feel really because if she was here, Lucy wouldn't be and I love Lucy. And I can't feel guilty for that, right? I mean, I wish Claire was here and didn't die but, well you know...
Me- "Yes, I totally know. And it's okay to feel that way."
__________
It is okay and totally natural to feel that way but it is a daily struggle to know that Lucy is here because Claire is not. To know that if Claire were here we would not have had any more children, meaning Lucy would have never been born, makes me sad. I am so beyond grateful to have brought our healthy, happy Rainbow baby into our lives but I hate that we had to go through the storm of losing Claire to get her here.
It makes me sad that my young children are questioning and analyzing their feelings and trying to convince themselves that they don't have to feel guilty for the way they love Lucy... and oh how they loooove her!!
It breaks my heart that they never got a chance to see Claire, to hold her and kiss her and watch her grow. However it makes my heart swell with pride to see the love they feel for her still. It is clear and obvious and true.
We go through the same thing here. Although Avery would not have been our last, but would her brother Jack be here? My older boys never had a chance to see Avery either. It is so hard to love someone so much who you cannot see and to feel guilty for the love they have for their Rainbow sibling. ((HUGS))Lots of love to you and your family.
ReplyDelete<3 Avery <3 Always loved and always a treasured member of the family.
DeleteOh such difficult questions to tackle and it must be absolutely heartbreaking to hear them analysing and questioning their feelings. Our little girls and their younger siblings will always be a much loved part of our families.
ReplyDelete<3 Georgina <3 So loved and always remembered.
ReplyDelete