New look, same hopes...

I am so in love with this 'new' space. It has given me the boost I need to begin writing again and to reach out to more women and families in my home town, as we have very little in the way of support here, as well as as far as I can reach.

It's still a work in progress as I travel through all of the links I had originally added to make sure they are current, as well as add new links to help others navigate and find a place where they feel most comfortable. I plan on adding a couple of new pages as well once I get all of the kinks ironed out.

As different as the space may be,
my hopes are still the same as I had originally planned:

~I hope that you can find comfort here knowing that you are not alone
and that someone else out here "gets it".

~I hope that you will come back when you feel you need or want to.

~I hope that you may share your thoughts and feelings with me
and/or with others readers when you are ready.

~I hope that you will pass the info you find here on to others you feel may benefit; whether that includes other bereaved parents looking for a compassionate and informative place or to guide them in helping you through your time of grief and sorrow.

~I hope that I am able to shine a little light on your days
and that together we can work towards finding
the light at the end of the tunnel.

♥ One year later...

"The time here on Earth is only a part of the soul's journey."

Auntie loves you.
Always and forever.

Absolutely thrilled!

Ack! I am all teary eyed and bowled over with emotion as I stare at my new blog design. From the beginning, October 2009, I have had a vision in my mind of what I wanted this space to look and feel like and voilà... here it is even more beautiful than I ever could have imagined thanks to Franchesca the outstanding creative force behind small bird studios!

Franchesa was such a pleasure to work with. She took all of the elements I was looking for and made them flow. I know I am not the easiest person to work with as I am a little on the Type A side. That being said, every little tweak I wished to change, Franchesca had done within minutes. She was courteous, conscious of what I wanted, she aimed to please at all times, and above all she made me feel as though she had all of the time in the world to make my space my own, which I know with a little one running around is not an easy task!

What makes Franchesca even more endearing is she is one of the ones who 'gets it'. She too is a Babyloss Mom, she lost her sweet Jenna Belle, so she knows exactly what this space means to me. She believes in the power of writing to heal and to help others... so much so that she offers a discount on her services to babyloss families as well as those who struggle with infertility AND a portion of every blog design order is donated to a different organization/ cause each month that aids the baby loss community. What an inspiration!

I have 2 other very special women to thank for making my blog what it is also.

Claire's stunning peace dove photo, that holds the middle space in my header, was made by another truly remarkable babyloss mom, CarlyMarie, mommy to Christian. You can see her beautiful work and make special request orders at her site here:

And a special thank you to my dear friend Karen who sent the firework heart in the right hand space in my header to me this past New Years Eve. She has found and forwarded many 'winks' my way and this is one of my favorites. She and her husband Brian have captured many breathtaking snapshots of people, places, and animals all around the world. To see more of their work please check out their site here.

A million times thank you would never be enough.

All talk, all yesterday...

William: "Mommy? You know the necklace I bought for you for Christmas? I picked it because it is a heart and hearts remind you of Claire."

Could a little boy be sweeter than this? He is always on the hunt for hearts and knows how they make me smile. It means so very much to me to know that when he was given a chance to pick out a gift for me, on his very own, he chose something he knew would have meaning to me... did I mention he is only 6?

________

Matthew: "Mommy? Where is Claire now?"
Me: (under my breath to Andrew) "How do we answer this one?"
Andrew: "She may be up in the sky. That is where some people believe those who die go to live together. You can believe whatever it is you want though."
Matthew: "Oh. Okay."

Sometimes the most simple answer is the one that satisfies little ones the most. We are not a religious family and I struggle with where Claire is myself so answering that question is beyond me. I have always told the kids that Claire will always be in their heart, and if they are lucky, in their dreams but I know that Matthew, at 5 years old, is looking for more of a concrete answer... however is heaven any more concrete? Yup... still a struggle.

 ________

Andrew: (talking to Lucy last night before bed) "Are these your Claire jammies? Hugs and kisses from your sister? I wonder if one day you will realize that you are here because your sister isn't?"

*Sigh* I know Lucy will come to realize one day that she is here because her sister isn't. I just hope that we will have shown her enough love and individual attention, in so many different ways, that she was will never doubt how very much she was wanted and that she is her own little person... not Claire's shadow and not just our Rainbow Baby.

Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ Happy Birthday Alyssa! Ƹ̴Ӂ̴Ʒ

Happy 2nd Birthday to a sweet little babe who is dearly missed by many.
Much love to the A Team today and every day.

But does your heart work?

My littlest guy Matthew will be 5 in April and will be starting Kindergarten in the fall (Say what?!). Today we went to Public Health for his Kindergarten screening where they check speech, reasoning, expression, eye sight, hearing, and they get a needle. My little man did so well... even during needle time!

Afterward, while sitting in the waiting room waiting out his 15 minutes to make sure he didn't have a reaction, he began asking about his needle and was intrigued that they were putting medicine into him not taking blood out of him... "Like the medicine 'goed' into my blood and guts?!"

This opened up a whole new line of questioning!

"Does blood help you breathe?"
"But what happens if I don't have blood?"
"But does your heart work if you have no blood?"

"Oh, right, we die because our heart breaks just like Claire's did."
"I wish we could have her and Lucy too, mommy."

"I like my band-aid! It's Lightening McQueen!"

So happy he still includes her.
So sad that it is only when we talk about broken hearts and death.

And I always will...

No need...

This past weekend, Andrew and I went to Edmonton for some 'us' time and for some retail therapy. As we were leaving our hotel and were stopped at an intersection, I noticed a white sign on the street corner:

Claire Estates A Senior's Residence.

I quickly pulled out my phone to take a pic! (It wasn't until this morning that I noticed the more obvious huge letters running down the side of the building! Duh?!)

An instant smile on my face,
and almost instantly equal devastated sadness in my heart...

Claire will never grow up,
become a mother,
an aunt,
grow old,
become a grandmother...

therefore will never need to live in a senior's residence.

The day before... brought back...

Ugh, you know how Facebook saves every single exchange you ever had with someone? Well, I was just reading a recent response from a friend and looked back a bit and found this....

"Oh my... this baby is taking everything out of me! I am still sick a lot of the time, I have a headache most days and my boobs are killing me!! Maybe it's a girl this time because the boys never treated their mom like this in utero... they saved all the pain for when they turned 2 and have not given up yet!"

It was the day before I found out that our baby had died.

The sickness and the headaches were likely due to the fact that my baby was already dead.

I had no idea.

I don't even remember sending that message. I think it is why it hurts so much. I would have taken all day 'morning' sickness, a non stop headache and killer boobs for months if it would have meant she could have lived.

I don't know if it is because I have just read, copied and pasted every blog post over here or if it is because Claire's EDD is coming up (likely a combination of both) but I am so emotional right now. I am really, really missing her and all that she should be right now. This message bowled me over. I am in tears. She was already dead.

She was taking everything out of me...
likely due to the fact that she was trying to survive.

And I was right, she was a girl.

I can hardly stand the wait!!

My 'theme' has been decided, digital scrapbook kit has been found, pictures have been chosen and my order form for my blog makeover has been sent! Wahoo!

If you are looking to get a blog makeover done I highly recommend you check out Franchesca's work. Creative, varied, and oh so personal. Check out her online studio here.

I can't wait to see it all put together! In the mean time, I still have quite a bit of work to do moving my pages over so... back at it!

Move in progress...

I have just copied, cut, and pasted 349 blog posts from my old site to Blogger! I am also still in the process of moving my pages so please bear with me through the changes! It's been a lot of work but so well worth it and I cannot wait to get this space looking how I envision it to be... with the help of Franchesca at Small Bird Studios!

I am very ready for the change and I am so very excited to be able to continue blogging, and hopefully continuing to be helpful to my babyloss community, in this new and improved space!