Thursday, May 17, 2012
Not the only one... my fish feelings validated!
I just finished reading Knocked up. Knocked down. I cried, I laughed, I was shocked (in a few offbeat funny ways!) and I once again felt a little refreshed in knowing that I am not alone and/or crazy!
The author, Monica is honest, waaaay open, sarcastic, dry and blunt. I have to be honest, there were a few times I found her approach and dealings with her losses almost cold but I know better than to judge anyone trying to go through the motions and get through life on a daily basis after a loss... let alone 2 losses. I know we all get through in our own way so I completely respect her for totally telling it like it is. I kind of admire her actually as I tend to hold back sometimes for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings while trying to deal with my own.
Hm. Blogging really is therapy.
One quick chapter was like a chapter right out of my own life. Monica was talking about the fish in the pond on the side of her house, the fish that she never really cared about as they are just fish, (much like I feel) and about checking in on them shorty after her baby had died only to discover that they were dying, one at a time, every couple of days, until there was only one fish left. Her feelings of hurt and loss and failed responsibility were so like mine when we had 2 fish 'sagas' in our home after Claire's death.
"I run inside and throw myself on the bed, sobbing quietly, feeling awful. Sad about the state of the world, the death that seems to be all around me, the profound loss of not just my fetus, but an entire clan of goldfish." (p19)
I could so easily relate. I sometimes felt silly and as if I had overreacted a bit when we had a few fish deaths after Claire had died but I just could not help myself or my feelings at the time. I took it personally. I was really angry and very upset on more than one occasion, (so much so that I had to apologize in advance in my blog post for the offensive language. Yup, that mad!). I felt like death was taking over. I felt flooded. The waves of grief took over again and again and all over a silly little pet fish! However, obviously I was not the only one in the world that it happened to and who had a negative reaction to it...
Feelings validated √
Thank you √
Reading my 2 fish posts, Stupid F'in Fish and No. More. Claire. Fish. Period!, brings me right back to that time and place and head space. It still hurts my heart. And if you have never lost a baby you probably will think that I am crazy (as I have thought of myself on more than one occasion!) and I'm alright with that. You don't have to get it and I hope you never do.
One more 'and'... in case you are wondering, the fish tank has yet to be refilled.
I just can't go there.