Friday, March 9, 2012

Inward agony...

... or rather the feelings I thought would be easier to handle this year.

No, this year is worse. No one remembers except for me. Not that anyone else should have it written in their calendar. There is nothing to celebrate tomorrow, really. Woohoo... let's celebrate the day that you never came into our lives to stay because you arrived more than 2 years ago instead. Dead.

I'm so sad and mad and anxious and frustrated today. Today? Realistically, honestly, my stomach has been in knots for a while now. My patience gone, my mind wandering, and I haven't said a word. I have bottled it up out of fear that someone, somewhere, may even inwardly think,

"Still? Really?"

So here I sit, surrounded by my beautiful babies, listening to my boys giggle as they make a cabin under the table with every blanket in the house, watching my youngest girl 'read' books (topless!) in her little chair... and the tears are flowing. And no one notices. It's just another day of discovery, imagination and play. And for the most part, I wouldn't want it any other way...

Except Claire is not here and tomorrow should be her 2nd birthday.

So I guess I haven't really forgotten the feelings after all:


Grateful for those I can hold every day.
Devastated for my one tiny daughter who was never here to stay.


  1. oh sweetie. sending you a big virtual hug and lots of ♥

  2. Oh Jaime. I'm so sorry. I often wonder if people would think, "Still? Really?" if I told them how I feel.

    Thinking of you and remembering your daughter, Claire.

  3. Thinking of you and your sweet little Claire! Sending much love your way and wishes for a peaceful and gentle day! <3

  4. My dearest daughter - you are such a wonderful, loving mom and my heart aches for you. To be honest, I didn't remember the date (it was Paige who texted and called me to remind me cause I guess she knows how bad my memory is these days - and that's no excuse I know. All I can say is that the only way I can think about is that if Claire were here, we wouldn't have baby Lucy - and the thought of not having her now is devasting. I hope me saying this does not hurt you because that's not my intention. I really don't know how to say this to you - but I didn't have a chance to know Claire which I am sad about but now I know and love Lucy so much I can't imagine our family without her. I am so sorry about Claire and wish we did get to know and love her the same - I wonder sometimes who she would look like and what she would be like. I love you and our grandkids so much and treasure them. Love you. mom

  5. ♥ A mother's heart never will forget.


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