March lovin'...

Thank you to Karen (x6), Lina, Nicolle (x2), Jack, Kylie, Heather (x2), Meagan, Michelle (x2), Anne, and Antoinette (x2) for sending Claire's love our way this month!! She is everywhere!!

In the middle...

2 babies born this week... both with the middle name Claire.

Love it, yet jealous.
Simple as that.

Thoughts on my thoughts...

[image courtesy of Davide Restivo]

I read the following line in a fellow BLM's post a couple of weeks ago:

"I don't remember what I thought about before I thought about her."

It has made me really wonder? I am sure there were many, many things on my mind at any given minute but since losing Claire it seems as though any spare second I have is filled with her.

The wishes.
The what-ifs.
The if-onlys.
The what-should-bes.
The never-will-bes.
The future.

The void of her loss has taken up so much space in my head.
If she were here she would take up a lot of the space too, I know, but instead of getting caught up in thoughts I would just be living.

Hm. Who really puts the time into thinking about or analyzing why they are thinking about something? Just another BLM thing, I guess.

3 new treasures...

Always on the search for Claire's name to be written, I stumbled across 3 more creative and heartfelt sites! I love that every site has a story, that each of the women offering these services is doing so in honor of their little one(s) who has gone too soon. They truly understand the impact it has on us BLMs to see our baby's name written. Each is unique, each offers a little insight into their family and what is important to them. Each treasure is made with love.

Stitches of Love
Isn't this sweet?!

The Truffula Tree
Our family went to see The Lorax (We looooved it! We read the book at least once a week!) and the very next day I found this site. I put in my request and Claire's pom picture came to me on her EDD... what a perfect little treat to brighten my day!

Writing on the Wall 

I am still in the process of trying to figure out what I would like written on my baby board... here are a few examples of Misty's wonderful, fully customizable work:

To find links to all of these treasures and more, they can be found on Claire's Name Gallery as well as on the Keepsakes page.

Random thoughts throughout today...

...the second anniversary of your Estimated Due Date...

~ Today, we should be having a birthday party for you. Whether you had been born on this date or within a couple of days on either side, it's Saturday and a good day for a party.

~ Thank you to my BLMs. I know you all get my feelings and my fears. 

It feels good to be understood.

~ You had the most perfect little hands. 

How I wish I could hold them again, my sweet baby girl.

~ Thank you to my little sister for reaching out. You are so good.

LYSMLS

March birthstone - aquamarine.

~ I wish I could have a few minutes alone to just think, really think.

~ Time to 'come clean' to a friend.

~ What went wrong?

~ I want to hold you again... if only for a moment. I want to see you and touch you and kiss you and etch you into my mind all over again. Time passes and I feel so far away from you. I have photos, I have memories, I have keepsakes but it's still so hard to picture you, your weight, your features. 

I want you back.

~ Tears, tears, tears...

~ It's a beautiful day and I wish you could be here to play in the snow with us. 

March birth flower - daffodil.

~ Thank you mom. I too wish you could have met and gotten to know Claire. I know how very much you love your grandchildren, she would have been a lucky little lady to grow up having you in her life... Smarties and all! ;)

~ A friend just posted pictures of her newborn baby girl next to her Li'l Peanut doll... the same one we have for you. I wish baby 'A' well as she has just been moved from intensive NICU to the intermediate care NICU.

~ Thank you for the reassuring phone call. xo

March's tree is the Weeping Willow.

~ Would you have gotten your daddy's thick hair? Would it be in pretty little pig tails today? Or would you still be bald just like Mommy was when she was 2?!

~ 2 years ago today I was due, I live every day missing you.

~ I hug your little sister and feel so much love and so much guilt... it's so unfair.

~ I am so thankful for family, and friends old and new... sounds so cliché... is there any other way of saying it to show how above and beyond and high and wide and far this thankfulness goes?

March 10th - Pices

~ Touching words: "You were so lucky to have been given each other; for you, a sweet little angel to forever love, and for her, a mommy who couldn't possibly love her more. A perfect match. Sending you wishes for a quiet moment of peace & happiness before you fall asleep tonight....xo"

~ I wish Daddy had not had to work today so we could have all gone out to Prelude Lake. It's our special family Claire place/hike/lookout point and it brings me a lot of comfort to be there on your special days. Next time...

~ If you had been born 10 days late, 

you and your Daddy would have shared a birth date. 

~ "You were a life made of our love." 

~ I wish you were here... every day it's the same wish.

~ I could go on and on and I am sure my head will until the wee hours...

~ Good night baby girl, mommy loves you. 

Inward agony...

... or rather the feelings I thought would be easier to handle this year.

No, this year is worse. No one remembers except for me. Not that anyone else should have it written in their calendar. There is nothing to celebrate tomorrow, really. Woohoo... let's celebrate the day that you never came into our lives to stay because you arrived more than 2 years ago instead. Dead.

I'm so sad and mad and anxious and frustrated today. Today? Realistically, honestly, my stomach has been in knots for a while now. My patience gone, my mind wandering, and I haven't said a word. I have bottled it up out of fear that someone, somewhere, may even inwardly think,

"Still? Really?"

So here I sit, surrounded by my beautiful babies, listening to my boys giggle as they make a cabin under the table with every blanket in the house, watching my youngest girl 'read' books (topless!) in her little chair... and the tears are flowing. And no one notices. It's just another day of discovery, imagination and play. And for the most part, I wouldn't want it any other way...

Except Claire is not here and tomorrow should be her 2nd birthday.

So I guess I haven't really forgotten the feelings after all:

Emptiness
Agony
Sadness
Loneliness

Grateful for those I can hold every day.
Devastated for my one tiny daughter who was never here to stay.

Their forever gifts...

Heart shaped heart cells!

"During pregnancy, cells sneak across the placenta. The fetus's cells enter the mother and the mother's cells enter the baby -- and stay there for life. In mothers, fetal cells often take residence in her lungs, spinal cord, skin, thyroid gland, liver, intestine, cervix, gallbladder, spleen, lymph nodes, and blood vessels. The baby's cells may also live a lifetime in Mom's heart and brain..."

Thank you for the most amazing gifts, Little Love, William, Matthew, Claire, and Lucy. Knowing that real, live, tangible pieces of each and every one of you will forever be with me brings me more comfort than you can every begin to imagine.

PS To read more about how fetal cells can heal a mother click here.

PPS The heart shaped heart cells pictured above are not those described here but I thought they were pretty fitting to the context. To find out what causes heart cells to form this shape click on the link below the picture.

February lovin'...