That is how I am feeling.
Not so good.
I am feeling overwhelmed... again.
The sadness of not having Claire here
is slowly creeping back up (not that it is ever very far, mind you). The
holidays approaching makes me yearn for what I won’t have again this
year and the pictures in my mind of what should be make me so very sad.
Tomorrow we are getting our maternity
pictures done and while I am excited I can’t help but feel so totally
ripped off that we never had this chance with Claire... I don’t have
many pictures at all of my Claire bump.
I feel guilty for feeling guilty about the joy I feel for Cinco. Get it?
My patience is thin. I am having a
difficult time parenting right now and it is unfair as I love my boys
beyond words. I just don’t feel like I am doing the best that I can be.
I am so tired. Just so very very tired.
However through it all so very thankful.
Thankful for having Claire.
Thankful for a wonderfully talented friend who will take amazingly beautiful pics .
Thankful for Cinco.
Thankful for my 2 babes here with me who I love more than everything.
And most of all thankful for an
incredible husband who lets me be, say and do what I need to to help
myself be a better, stronger woman, wife, mother. He is absolutely,
without a shadow of a doubt, the most outstanding man I know. Just now
he asked if I would mind if he got up with the boys tomorrow morning! I
love his sense of humour... a sleep in for me? Of course I don’t mind!!
GAH... okay, enough... I can’t see the keyboard anymore!
I know this post is all over the place
but it reflects what is going on in my head and heart right now. The
filing cabinet above? That’s my insides. And I am okay(ish) with that
for now. I know I will get through... it is just going to take some time
to sort it all out. I am just so tired.
