Friday, November 26, 2010

Scattered, disorganized, messy...

That is how I am feeling.
Not so good.
I am feeling overwhelmed... again.

The sadness of not having Claire here is slowly creeping back up (not that it is ever very far, mind you). The holidays approaching makes me yearn for what I won’t have again this year and the pictures in my mind of what should be make me so very sad.

Tomorrow we are getting our maternity pictures done and while I am excited I can’t help but feel so totally ripped off that we never had this chance with Claire... I don’t have many pictures at all of my Claire bump.

I feel guilty for feeling guilty about the joy I feel for Cinco. Get it?

My patience is thin. I am having a difficult time parenting right now and it is unfair as I love my boys beyond words. I just don’t feel like I am doing the best that I can be.

I am so tired. Just so very very tired.

However through it all so very thankful.

Thankful for having Claire.
Thankful for a wonderfully talented friend who will take amazingly beautiful pics .
Thankful for Cinco.
Thankful for my 2 babes here with me who I love more than everything.

And most of all thankful for an incredible husband who lets me be, say and do what I need to to help myself be a better, stronger woman, wife, mother. He is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, the most outstanding man I know. Just now he asked if I would mind if he got up with the boys tomorrow morning! I love his sense of humour... a sleep in for me? Of course I don’t mind!! GAH... okay, enough... I can’t see the keyboard anymore!

I know this post is all over the place but it reflects what is going on in my head and heart right now. The filing cabinet above? That’s my insides. And I am okay(ish) with that for now. I know I will get through... it is just going to take some time to sort it all out. I am just so tired.

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