We won't be finding out boy
or girl until this babe is born and I am so anxious about how I will
react one way or another. I cannot put into words how deeply fearful I
am of what my reaction will be either way.
Part of me wants a little girl as I
have 2 boys already and would love to have some pink in the house. The
other part of me wants a little boy so that Claire can always be my
little girl.
I know that either way I will be
ecstatic to have another little babe complete our family and whether boy
or girl I am sure my emotions will be all over the place.
It is a tough spot to be in. I feel my
reaction will be bittersweet no matter what and at times, it overwhelms
me as I want my birth experience to be positive and feel right now as
though as happy as I will be, there will be a cloud covering me.
Does this even make sense?!
I continue to struggle with these feelings and to find the proper way to convey them...
I know that no other little girl will
take the place of my first born little lady, Claire. I sometimes think
that it just may be easier to not even know what having a real live baby
girl around the house would be like... that being said, I would love to
experience the mother-daughter relationship (I have the best with my
own mother!). I have never really been a girly girl but I do enjoy pink
and Barbies and ballet and frills!
I often think about what I will miss
out on not having Claire here. Some days I think about what the distant
future would have brought... helping her pick out her dress for
graduation, seeing her walk down the aisle, watching her carry her own
child(ren). It crushes my heart to know that I won’t get to have those
experiences with her.
Maybe I will get the chance with her little sister?
Or maybe I will get to rent another tuxedo for another handsome son instead!
