Friday, September 17, 2010


We won't be finding out boy or girl until this babe is born and I am so anxious about how I will react one way or another. I cannot put into words how deeply fearful I am of what my reaction will be either way.

Part of me wants a little girl as I have 2 boys already and would love to have some pink in the house. The other part of me wants a little boy so that Claire can always be my little girl.

I know that either way I will be ecstatic to have another little babe complete our family and whether boy or girl I am sure my emotions will be all over the place.

It is a tough spot to be in. I feel my reaction will be bittersweet no matter what and at times, it overwhelms me as I want my birth experience to be positive and feel right now as though as happy as I will be, there will be a cloud covering me.

Does this even make sense?!

I continue to struggle with these feelings and to find the proper way to convey them...

I know that no other little girl will take the place of my first born little lady, Claire. I sometimes think that it just may be easier to not even know what having a real live baby girl around the house would be like... that being said, I would love to experience the mother-daughter relationship (I have the best with my own mother!). I have never really been a girly girl but I do enjoy pink and Barbies and ballet and frills!

I often think about what I will miss out on not having Claire here. Some days I think about what the distant future would have brought... helping her pick out her dress for graduation, seeing her walk down the aisle, watching her carry her own child(ren). It crushes my heart to know that I won’t get to have those experiences with her.

Maybe I will get the chance with her little sister?
Or maybe I will get to rent another tuxedo for another handsome son instead!

Either way... just let me bring this baby home, okay?
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