Tuesday, September 14, 2010

So far behind... (it’s a long one!)

Do you ever feel so behind that you don’t even know where to begin? So instead of doing anything about it, you leave everything until really late or you don’t do it at all?

That’s how I have been feeling about catching up here. I want to write but I have been so disorganized lately... in my head and in my everyday life. How did that happen? My thoughts are a mess that jump from one topic to another  so instead of sitting down and sorting through them all, I have avoided it all.

However here it is... the quick rundown:

16 weeks was bittersweet for me as I started to feel Cinco move. I was ecstatic to have the reassurance and so profoundly sad that in that very same week of pregnancy with my Li’l Peanut something went horribly wrong and her heart stopped beating,

17 weeks. Very, very sad. We were camping and I couldn’t help but think all morning of how our 5 month old little lady should have been on the beach with us soaking up the sun and splashing in the water. That day I volunteered to go into the small town at the base of the mountain to buy some supplies. While there I did a little drive through the main street and stumbled upon “The General Store”. The store windows were filled with pretty trinkets, picture frames, jewelry stands and more knick knacks. I ran in to browse and found the beautiful butterfly picture above. It was the perfect gift to buy on that very difficult day.

18 weeks and I am settling into my rainbow pregnancy with a little less anxiety. I can feel Cinco move regularly and it is so reassuring to me that all is as it should be (I hope!).

19 weeks and I am back to work. Tired but glad to be back into our routines.

20 weeks and we went for our ultrasound. It was amazing! I could have laid about all day watching our babe grow. I did however have a few minutes of sadness when the tech was showing us our baby’s heart. The sight of all parts working as they should was overwhelming and I began to sob (much to the confusion of the tech as she did not know our history). I explained and she was very sympathetic and told me that as far as she could see all looks great with babe. Ahh...

The half way mark. I have to believe that everything will be alright. Everything points in that direction. I need to stay positive.

All of that being said... I am still so sad about Claire and becoming more anxious as the days near the end of the month. Claire came into the world sleeping on October 1st, 2009 and that day is quickly approaching. There is so much I wanted to do, start, accomplish for myself and for others and I just find that I don’t have the energy...

This business of mourning a baby while simultaneously growing another is absolutely exhausting!!
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved