6 years ago today I had
surgery. I had found out 4 days previous that I was pregnant but knew
something was very wrong from the get go...
In August of 2004, Andrew took me to
Whistler for the weekend. It was a fabulous trip full of amazing
memories! We went to a Faith Hill concert on the side of Blackcomb
Mountain, strolled the streets of Whistler, ate breakfast at THE best
breakfast restaurant I have ever been to, crèpe montagne, and on our last night out we went for dinner at the Whistler Brewhouse.
It was there where Andrew looked at me in all seriousness and said, “I
think we should have a baby.” I was overjoyed!! He thought it would be a
good idea to order wine... I told him no way! If we were going to try
to have a baby then no more wine for me!! I immediately flushed my birth
control pills down the toilet and... well you know the rest!
A few days later I started my
period... but it was strange... and it lasted for almost a month. I
chalked it up to my body adjusting to no longer being on birth control.
Then I began to have severe pains on my lower left side. They would
last a while and then go away. I started to become concerned and
wondered if it was something more serious? On Friday night (the 24th) we
were out visiting with friends, I started to become quite dizzy and was
experiencing a lot of pain in my back on the lower left side. I had
had kidney problems in the past as well as surgery on my kidney so
wondered if it was all attributed from that. I quickly became quite weak
and was on the verge of passing out and that was when we decided to go
to the hospital.
After about a five minute wait we
found out we were pregnant! We were both shocked as we did not think
that it would have been possible to get pregnant so quickly. Our
excitement quickly turned to sadness when we realized that things were
probably not going to go as expected. The bleeding, the pain in my
abdomen as well in my back were all indicators that this pregnancy was
not going to produce a healthy baby.
We had blood drawn that evening and were told to come back on Sunday afternoon to have my hcg levels checked once more.
On Sunday we reluctantly went to the
hospital once again, had our blood drawn and waited for the results. We
met with quite possible the coldest most inconsiderate and unsympathetic
Dr ever. To this day when I see him I cringe. He came into the room and
said, “Well, it looks like your levels have dropped. I mean you just
started trying, right? It’s just the body’s way of telling you it’s not
ready. You will probably miscarry. Try again later.” And then he left!
We were told by the nurse to come back
again on Tuesday morning for one more blood draw just to make sure. A
friend of ours was the Dr. on call and she was much more thorough and
asked many more questions and checked/looked/probed etc. and realized
that what was happening was that I was experiencing an ectopic
pregnancy. My baby was growing in my left fallopian tube. She called
for the OBGYN surgeon to come right away to meet with me and he
concluded that yes, that was in fact what was happening and that I would
be having emergency surgery right away.
We were beyond devastated. I couldn’t
believe that in a matter of a week, I had gone from bleeding and pain,
to being pregnant, to being told I was going to miscarry, to finding out
that my babe was actually growing in my fallopian tube and that I was
going to have surgery that might end with me having my tube removed.
I went in to surgery knowing that when
I woke up I would no longer be pregnant. What I didn’t know was whether
or not I would have my left tube? Whether or not I would experience
another ectopic pregnancy? Whether or not I would ever be able to
conceive another baby? Whether my one fear in life was going to come
true?... I would never have children.
My surgery went well (speaking form a
medical standpoint). I was in pain physically but more so emotionally.
Too many future questions with no answers.
I went home the next day and then the
tears really flowed. I felt terribly alone. I had learned about ectopic
pregnancy in high school biology but I had never met anyone who had
experienced one. I cried all of the time. I wouldn’t get out of bed and
when I did I was a walking zombie. Every little everything made me cry. I
didn’t go to work for weeks. I was so afraid that I would never have a
child(ren). I was distant.
I had a lot of support from family and
friends. Flowers, food, hugs and offers to help out but I didn’t really
want any of it. I just wanted to be pregnant. It took me a very long
time to come around and feel “normal” again. But what is normal once you
have lost a baby?!
Once we had the go ahead to try for
another babe we grabbed the chance and were lucky enough to get pregnant
within the first month of trying. Every day for the first few weeks was
torture... waiting for the ball to drop. Fortunately it didn’t.
___
Loss is never easy. Ever. In my
opinion, there is something about losing your first child(ren) that
makes it even more difficult in some ways. It makes you question your
whole fertility future.
I was consumed with fear and anxiety. I
didn’t know if I would ever have my own biological child. I was afraid
of where my relationship would go if I could not, in fact, conceive a
child. Would I have to go the AI or IVF route? Surrogate?
How would I cope if I had to go through yet another loss?...
Fortunately I was able to conceive, carry, give birth to and raise 2 little boys after I lost my Little Love.
Unfortunately, I am still trying to cope with the loss of Claire.
