"C" is for... (pt 2)...

Graphic credit

C   ontinuous

L   onging

A   lways

I   ntertwined

R   ound and round 

E   ver present




Part one can be found here.

RTZ: We can make this happen!

"Based on the true story of a successful couple 

who are preparing for the arrival of their first child. 

Just weeks before their due date they are devastated to discover 

that their baby son has died in the womb and will be stillborn." 

Become a Local Leader to help promote the film! 

This film is very important to me. 
In 2004 we lost our first baby to an ectopic pregnancy 
and in 2009 our daughter Claire was born too soon for unknown reasons. 
Our lives were changed forever. 
To spread awareness about miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss and to honor my babies, 
I have signed up to be a Local Leader in Yellowknife. 

I LOVE THIS! This is what change looks like in the NORTHWEST TERRITORIES! Because it only takes one person to change everything. (Thanks for the shout out, Sean!)

I am one of 1600 Local Leaders who have signed up worldwide so far.
 To sign up to be a Local Leader please fill out the form found here.

Another way to show your support for the film is to 

pledge to view the film 

opening weekend wherever you may be!

 

Why is pledging to see the film so important? 

Because Return To Zero needs Hollywood to take notice in order to get the film into theaters and if we Local Leaders can gather at least 150,000 pledges in 30 days (by June 30th, 2013) it would show them that there is a need and a desire to have this film distributed worldwide! 

Join Return To Zero on Facebook here to find more info!

Join me here on FB to keep up to date on local happenings.
If you are not on Facebook you can find the pledge form here.

Every Local Leader, every Pledge, every voice matters!

April lovin'...

April lovin' thanks to: Cally, Antoinette, Nessa, Michelle, Amber, Monica, Dena, Karen, Jessica, Carrie, Kathryn, Emalee, Diane, Jennifer, Wendy, Carloine, Tracy, Rebecca, Janice, Shelby, and Molly.

A sad goodbye and a sweet hello...

   

We moved out of our old house. 

It was sad leaving, like I was leaving another little piece of Claire's life behind. 

It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be for me. 

Her everything from beginning to end happened there.

I just couldn't say goodbye to her home without leaving her mark.

 

And then we moved into our new home and what did I find?

A sweet hello from my girl.

Quite the housewarming gift! 

Thanks for making the transition a little easier on mommy's heart. 

That's what I want to feel...

I miss sitting and reflecting and writing 

but I feel like I am tapped out, so to speak, 

on what to say about Claire. 

I feel so far away from her and it hurts. 

Photo credit

Just one day of that gut-wrenching agony that I had in the beginning...

that's what I want to feel.

 It seems so wrong but I feel like it would make me feel closer to her.

 

"It hurts to not hurt so much." 

~Michelle White

Random wonderings...

When I close my eyes, everything that happened between us comes back to me.

A teardrop shows it's presence.

I wonder what went wrong?

Wonder how it'd be if we didn't say goodbye?

I always wish that I could get back to that time and hold you a little more closely.

But

I know... it's always a dream.

A dream which I hate to wake up from.

~SooraiKeshav

Image credit

Wondering and worrying about what to write about.

Wondering if I will ever have anything new to write?

Wondering if anyone feels the same way?

Wondering if anyone noticed that I hadn't been writing?

Wondering if they think I don't care as much as I used to?

or

Wondering if people are tired of hearing me talk about her?

Wondering when I will find the time to write more consistently?

Wondering if others understand that while I am not writing I am still dwelling and loving her?

Wondering when and if I will find the time to read the blogs I follow?
(I miss getting caught up.)
 

Wondering why she died?

Wondering if she is proud?

Wondering if I am still helping anyone in any way?

...

March lovin'...

March lovin' thanks to: Emalee, Gillian, Tracy & Dale & Joanne, Cathy, Maureen, Annie, Laurie, Dena, Meghan, Cally, Jennifer & Melissa Megan, Maria, Karen, Virginia, Molly, Sheila, Carrie, Mary, Amber, Caroline, Monica, Wendy, Andrew, and Michelle! 

National Potato Chip Day...

Who knew?

My friend Hannah of Rose and Her Lily knew and for a very special reason! 
_________ 

"Lily Katherine was due three years ago today, March 14th, 2010 (National Potato Chip Day), so one of her nicknames is "Spud." :)
"Ironically, the food I ate nonstop during my pregnancy were hashbrowns. I craved them daily and enjoyed them homemade, as well as at all different restaurants. It's only appropriate to make eating them a tradition each year on this day, in honor of our little Spud."

"Though Lily was not born on March 14th, it was the day she was due, the date I associated with her my entire pregnancy and shared that date when people asked how far along I was. So naturally, I still think of her on this date." 

_________ 

Throughout the past couple of years my family and friends have sent many potato chip winks so I thought it would be fitting to make a quick collage for this special day! Yummylove!

And what better way to celebrate this fine day (which has quickly grown to be one of my new favorite days of the year!) than to indulge in a big ol' bag of ketchup chips? 

And look at what I found:

A little bite of love from Claire and Lily Katherine! 

 

February lovin'...

 

February lovin' thanks to: Michelle R., Moriah, Shannon, Monica, Amber, Tara, Carrie B., Dena, Antoinette, Megan, Carrie W., Jen, Cally, Erika, Jennifer, Maureen, Lara, Mandi, Molly, Lina, Theresa, Emalee, Valerie, Caitlin, Jessica, Virginia, Angie, Jeffrey, Shelby, Brittany, Leslie, and Kaitlyn.

January lovin'...

January lovin' thanks to: Vanessa, Maureen, Lisa, Michelle R., Talisa, Amber, Holly, Kathryn, Heather F., Evelyne, Antoinette, Caroline, Mandi M., Monica W., Elaine, Cally, Virginia, Jennifer Y., Jennider B., Kara, Karen, Alejandra, Glenda, Heather M., Monica M., Kamey, Mandi S., Sheila, Lizzy, Andrew, Molly, and Caitlin.

I stand corrected...

Photo credit: imagineletters.com

Matthew went to a birthday party today for a classmate I had not yet met. His mother and I spoke briefly on the phone so she could fill me in on party plans and today I met her face to face. We began discussing the craziness of party planning (she had one son celebrating today, has another next weekend and another little guy she will plan for later in the year). I told her that I could relate to the busyness of family life and she then asked how many children I have...

Eek, one of the most difficult answers for a BLM to respond to!

I said 4 for simplicity sake and Matthew looked up at me and said, "No mommy, 5!" I smiled down at him and said, "Yes, you're right baby." He then turned and ran in to join his friends. I looked up at the little man of honor's mom and she was looking back with a puzzled expression so I added, "We also had a little girl who was born too soon." She looked a little taken aback however offered her condolences and continued the conversation in a comfortable and easy manner which I was very thankful for.

My caring and concerned little boy correcting me?!...
What a kind big brother...
What a sweet soul...

Today, Matthew's honesty and his buddy's mother's willingness to continue on without missing a beat made me smile inside. I am proud of Matthew for stating the not so obvious and not worrying about how it would make others feel (like his mommy would!) and it felt so good to include Claire, just as she should be.

Claire's flag in Australia...

Back in September I completed Claire's Beach Prayer flag and sent it off to CarlyMarie in Australia to participate in this beautiful event in honor of October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

CarlyMarie, at last count, had received approximately 350 prayer flags from all over the world. Each and every one unique and made with and abundance of love. Looking through the albums is heartbreaking and stunning. To see these amazing flags you can look through the albums posted on her FB page.

I am constantly amazed by CarlyMarie's creativity and generosity. She went way above and beyond by taking on such a huge project and I am thankful for her taking the time out of her very busy evenings to spend a little time remembering our babies with us by setting up such a wonderful display and photographing our flags for us.

Beautiful.

Claire's piece of 'The Rock'...

A little background... 

When I was first born my grandfather and grandmother were in the very beginning stages of building a log cabin. Over the first couple of years, I spent some time out there 'helping' to build the foundation. We moved away when I was 2 so I don't have many memories however I have seen some photos of me around the wood piles and I do remember when visiting one summer catching minnows at the lake in a (red or yellow?) milk jug while work went on around me. Helpful, right?!

Over the course of 20 years my grandparents put their blood, sweat and tears into building this home. Cutting and bleaching each log, building the cabin from the ground up, inside and out. From the foundation to the parquet hardwood floors to the kitchen cabinets, they built it all. They hand picked each and every rock that surrounds the bottom outside of the cabin as well as each rock for the amazing fireplace wall. They have a beautiful piece of knotted wood that has been incorporated into the archway to the living room. The log home is a piece of art and a huge part of our family's history.
 
Fast forward to 2 summers ago...

My mom, sister, aunt and cousins were all up at the cabin with my grandparents and my mom and grandfather went for a walk together. As they approached the shed behind the cabin my grandfather brought my mom over to a boulder in the yard. The rock has always been there, my mom remembers seeing the kids climb on it and play around it but it wasn't until that day that my grandfather pointed something unique and completely incredible out to her. He told her to look closely as running through this boulder is a large pink vein. He told her that in order to best see it they should pour water on it... so they did and the pink vein in the rock forms a massive heart!  

My mom instantly thought of Claire. She's not sure how she never noticed the big pink heart before but figured that since Claire's winks were starting to show themselves in the most fabulous ways that maybe that is why it came to be seen at that time.

My family all shared the special sighting with me that summer over the phone and promised me a picture but forgot to get one! This past summer when they went back they talked about it once more and then 'didn't get an opportunity to get a picture' again... except they did! My aunt took a photo and my cousin, through the magic of Photoshop, made it black and white leaving the pink vein that runs through it so that the heart would really pop. They then had it enlarged and printed onto a canvas for me.

Incredible!

To add to the story, a couple of years ago the little town where their cabin is located decided that they should name the roads as it was becoming a little more populated so they came to my grandfather and asked him what he thought the name of the road should be as he was the first on the road and had been around for so many years. He chose the name Angel Road (apparently after a little dog named Angel that lived nearby) and his place is number 1. I am not really one for angels, and am not religious at all but think it is still a pretty amazing coincidence that this all fell together this way!

One of the best gifts I have received, by far. So incredibly thoughtful and meaningful to me that my family thought of Claire when they saw this boulder and so fabulous that they all worked together to to surprise me knowing how very much it would touch me to "bring" the boulder to me. 

And as if the picture wasn't enough, my aunt also typed up a sweet message to be placed in behind the canvas too. Ahh...

  

Now if I could get my whole family to Newfoundland (a.k.a The Rock) to see her rock it would just be the icing on the cake!

December lovin'...

Thank you to Amber, Anne, Antoinette, Cally, Carrie, Emalee, Jennifer G, Jennifer Y, Kamey, Kara, Kim, Lina, Melissa, Michelle, Monica, Tiffany and Virginia for Claire's end of the year winks!

With thanks from Face2Face Yellowknife...

As we say goodbye to 2012, I would like to take the opportunity to give thanks to many...

To you all, those who keep up to date here on my blog as well as our 'likers' on Facebook, for joining us this year and for helping to lend support to one another, we appreciate you beyond words. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this group was not a much needed part of your life or that of a loved one but am grateful for the opportunity to be a small part in your comfort and healing as well as a part of helping you help a family member or friend through a very difficult time in their life.

A big thank you to my co-leader Jennifer for helping to make this group a reality. We shared many doubts, fears and tears in the beginning stages but I know I can speak for us both when I say that those feelings have been overshadowed with gratitude towards you all for making this group a safe, comforting, empathetic and caring space for women and families who have been struck by the tragic loss of one or many precious babies who have left their lives too soon.

We have Galit Rodan (The Yellowknifer), Diana Carolina (CKLB Radio), as well as Allison Devereaux (CBC Radio) to thank for approaching us and giving our stories, our cause and our group a voice.

We would also like to thank the Stanton Territorial Health Authority, the Yellowknife Health and Social Services Authority, the Yellowknife Primary Care Centre and the Frame Lake Community Health Clinic for their outstanding encouragement and support as they circulate our F2F information to those in need.

And a huge thank you to my family for being so very supportive, encouraging, as well as flexible in giving me all that I needed to make this group run smoothly and with success.

I wish you all a gentle, happy, healthy, wonderful new year. I hope that 2013 brings you all that you wish for... and then some.

With thanks beyond measure,
Jaime

It still remains the same...

Claire's new holiday ornaments!

I do random searches throughout the year to find a peanut shaped ornament for Claire for our Christmas tree. I heart tradition and love that she gets to be a part of the holiday season!

I usually find them on Etsy at some point and as soon as I find one that I like, I order it as I know that if I don't do it right away I may miss out. You never know if it is going to be a one of a kind treasure, or if the shop will close it's virtual doors before next Christmas. 

This year I was delighted to not only find a new one, but also discover another that I had put away last year, for this year! (What a mouthful... did you follow that?!) 

Here they are in all of their cuteness!

November lovin'...

Thanks to Maria, Kara, Cally, Caitlin, Melanie, Karin, Dallas, Michelle, Monica, Maureen, Kathy, Wendy, Andrew, Amber, Jennifer and Brandy!

Remembrance Day...

Photo credit: Ann Smart

Last Thursday my boys' school held their Remembrance Day assembly. I have always wondered what the young ones really understand and get out of the experience. This year William (grade 2) must have learned a lot as his little mind was spinning when he returned home...

Jut before dinner the conversation began this way:

"Mommy, at school today our teacher told us to think about someone who died. I thought about Claire. I miss her. I wish she was here."

And then at lights out time it became a much more intense conversation. A flood of questions that I could not answer however they came so quickly out of his little mind and mouth I hardly had time to respond anyway. He had put a lot of thought into this day.

"Mommy, if Claire was here would Lucy be here?"

"I'm not sure, William."

"Oh, 'cause if she was here and Lucy was here that would be crazy! I would have 2 baby sisters?! Imagine if they were both named Claire because you like that name? We would call Claire and both would come and then we would have to say no not you Claire, you Claire! But mommy, if Claire was here and we didn't have Lucy, umm, hm, I would miss her. Mommy if people die can we make them come back to life? Because if we did I would want Claire to come back. And then I would have 2 baby sisters. And mommy how do people die?"

"People die for all sorts of reasons but in the end their heart breaks and doesn't pump any more blood."

'So you burn them to ashes? Or bury them in a graveyard? Why isn't Claire in a graveyard? Daddy said she is ashes 'cause she got burned. Maybe she is in a graveyard at the hospital?"

"No baby, she's not."

"Well, I wish she was because you know those flowers we got at school? I would bring it to her graveyard and put it in her grass. Because that is what you do with them. Is the graveyard by that big place where people go sliding? Can we go there? Can I see it?"

"That's really nice baby and yes, I will take you there to see it one day."

 "Okay, mommy, goodnight."

10 minutes after he was tucked into bed he came out of his room:

"Daddy? Can people have a graveyard in their yard?"

It just kept spinning...

___________

Oh. my. heart.

It's taken a week to write this post because I am still so sad about this conversation. It stirred up a lot in me. I too have been spinning.

I wish we had a resting place for her.

We were given the choice to send her wee body out for an autopsy but if we did we would not be able to have her returned to us. We wanted to know what happened so we sent her away.

The results gave us no answers... so it almost feels as though we sent her away for nothing and we got nothing in return.

And what gets me is that I know of others who had their babe sent away and sent back... why not our baby? I hate to think of what became of her little self. It eats away at me more and more, especially now that our children are starting to question.

What answers do we have to give them?

We don't know?

We don't know.

October lovin'...

Lovin' brought to us this month by: Antoinette, Bethany, Cally, Carrie, Janell, Jennifer, Kylie, Lisa & Colin, Mandi, Mary, Matthew, Michelle A-R, Michelle W, Molly, Rachel, Shawna, Tracey, Vanessa, Virginia, and Wendy!

Thanks everyone!!