I wrote a post a while back
about an acquaintance who had a baby 3 weeks after Claire’s EDD. It was a
raw post about how I felt finding out all in the span of a couple of
minutes (through Facebook) about her being pregnant, having her baby... a
girl, and naming her Claire. It was a lot to handle all at once. (You
can read the post by clicking here).
To be honest, I had seen the family
out a few times over the last year and a half and could hardly bare to
look in their direction but at the same time wanting so badly to look. I
wanted to see their Claire. I wanted to see where my Claire would have
been had she survived. How big would she be? What would she be doing?
What would it look like to have the 2 little boys and then the little
princess all together? To be really honest I turned away every time and
pretended not to see them and it killed me to do so because mom is a
really great person. She is kind and engaging, a really lovely woman
with a beautiful smile.
Well, last week I was invited to a
ladies night, a get together on a Wednesday night just to hang out and
catch up with friends. She was invited too. I was a bit of a wreck. We
are all mothers... and what do mothers do best? Yes, talk about our
children. I was nervous. I didn’t want to hear about Claire... but I
did. Her name did come up a couple of times and whether I was part of
the conversation or not I still heard it and it took my breath away. I
know it all sounds really dramatic but I couldn’t help the way I felt.
All in all it went better than expected and we all had a fantastic night
and from there we were then invited to the next get together... at her
house...
I showed up to the baby shower alone
and thankfully was met at the door with others and was able to walk in
and get past the front door where she was standing with Claire in her
arms without crying. Claire is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. She
is a girly girl with pigtails who wears dresses and is just the sweetest
little thing with the most amazing eyes. I couldn’t help but watch her.
She was walking around, holding her mom’s hand and hugging her, playing
with toys, eating from her high chair, doing all of the things my
Claire should have been doing too. It stung. It brought tears to my eyes
too many times. However, for all of the anxiousness I have felt since
finding out, I feel now that I am a little more at ease. It will always
be difficult to hear about and see her little Claire but it makes me
happy too to get a glimpse into what my little girl’s life would have
been had she lived.
Bittersweet... leaning more towards the sweet. ;)
