Monday, July 11, 2011

Meeting ‘her’...

I wrote a post a while back about an acquaintance who had a baby 3 weeks after Claire’s EDD. It was a raw post about how I felt finding out all in the span of a couple of minutes (through Facebook) about her being pregnant, having her baby... a girl, and naming her Claire. It was a lot to handle all at once. (You can read the post by clicking here).

To be honest, I had seen the family out a few times over the last year and a half and could hardly bare to look in their direction but at the same time wanting so badly to look. I wanted to see their Claire. I wanted to see where my Claire would have been had she survived. How big would she be? What would she be doing? What would it look like to have the 2 little boys and then the little princess all together? To be really honest I turned away every time and pretended not to see them and it killed me to do so because mom is a really great person. She is kind and engaging, a really lovely woman with a beautiful smile.

Well, last week I was invited to a ladies night, a get together on a Wednesday night just to hang out and catch up with friends. She was invited too. I was a bit of a wreck. We are all mothers... and what do mothers do best? Yes, talk about our children. I was nervous. I didn’t want to hear about Claire... but I did. Her name did come up a couple of times and whether I was part of the conversation or not I still heard it and it took my breath away. I know it all sounds really dramatic but I couldn’t help the way I felt. All in all it went better than expected and we all had a fantastic night and from there we were then invited to the next get together... at her house...

I showed up to the baby shower alone and thankfully was met at the door with others and was able to walk in and get past the front door where she was standing with Claire in her arms without crying. Claire is beautiful. Really, really beautiful. She is a girly girl with pigtails who wears dresses and is just the sweetest little thing with the most amazing eyes. I couldn’t help but watch her. She was walking around, holding her mom’s hand and hugging her, playing with toys, eating from her high chair, doing all of the things my Claire should have been doing too. It stung. It brought tears to my eyes too many times. However, for all of the anxiousness I have felt since finding out, I feel now that I am a little more at ease. It will always be difficult to hear about and see her little Claire but it makes me happy too to get a glimpse into what my little girl’s life would have been had she lived.

Bittersweet... leaning more towards the sweet. ;)

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