Claire's flag in Australia...

Back in September I completed Claire's Beach Prayer flag and sent it off to CarlyMarie in Australia to participate in this beautiful event in honor of October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

CarlyMarie, at last count, had received approximately 350 prayer flags from all over the world. Each and every one unique and made with and abundance of love. Looking through the albums is heartbreaking and stunning. To see these amazing flags you can look through the albums posted on her FB page.

I am constantly amazed by CarlyMarie's creativity and generosity. She went way above and beyond by taking on such a huge project and I am thankful for her taking the time out of her very busy evenings to spend a little time remembering our babies with us by setting up such a wonderful display and photographing our flags for us.

Beautiful.

Claire's piece of 'The Rock'...

A little background... 

When I was first born my grandfather and grandmother were in the very beginning stages of building a log cabin. Over the first couple of years, I spent some time out there 'helping' to build the foundation. We moved away when I was 2 so I don't have many memories however I have seen some photos of me around the wood piles and I do remember when visiting one summer catching minnows at the lake in a (red or yellow?) milk jug while work went on around me. Helpful, right?!

Over the course of 20 years my grandparents put their blood, sweat and tears into building this home. Cutting and bleaching each log, building the cabin from the ground up, inside and out. From the foundation to the parquet hardwood floors to the kitchen cabinets, they built it all. They hand picked each and every rock that surrounds the bottom outside of the cabin as well as each rock for the amazing fireplace wall. They have a beautiful piece of knotted wood that has been incorporated into the archway to the living room. The log home is a piece of art and a huge part of our family's history.
 
Fast forward to 2 summers ago...

My mom, sister, aunt and cousins were all up at the cabin with my grandparents and my mom and grandfather went for a walk together. As they approached the shed behind the cabin my grandfather brought my mom over to a boulder in the yard. The rock has always been there, my mom remembers seeing the kids climb on it and play around it but it wasn't until that day that my grandfather pointed something unique and completely incredible out to her. He told her to look closely as running through this boulder is a large pink vein. He told her that in order to best see it they should pour water on it... so they did and the pink vein in the rock forms a massive heart!  

My mom instantly thought of Claire. She's not sure how she never noticed the big pink heart before but figured that since Claire's winks were starting to show themselves in the most fabulous ways that maybe that is why it came to be seen at that time.

My family all shared the special sighting with me that summer over the phone and promised me a picture but forgot to get one! This past summer when they went back they talked about it once more and then 'didn't get an opportunity to get a picture' again... except they did! My aunt took a photo and my cousin, through the magic of Photoshop, made it black and white leaving the pink vein that runs through it so that the heart would really pop. They then had it enlarged and printed onto a canvas for me.

Incredible!

To add to the story, a couple of years ago the little town where their cabin is located decided that they should name the roads as it was becoming a little more populated so they came to my grandfather and asked him what he thought the name of the road should be as he was the first on the road and had been around for so many years. He chose the name Angel Road (apparently after a little dog named Angel that lived nearby) and his place is number 1. I am not really one for angels, and am not religious at all but think it is still a pretty amazing coincidence that this all fell together this way!

One of the best gifts I have received, by far. So incredibly thoughtful and meaningful to me that my family thought of Claire when they saw this boulder and so fabulous that they all worked together to to surprise me knowing how very much it would touch me to "bring" the boulder to me. 

And as if the picture wasn't enough, my aunt also typed up a sweet message to be placed in behind the canvas too. Ahh...

  

Now if I could get my whole family to Newfoundland (a.k.a The Rock) to see her rock it would just be the icing on the cake!

December lovin'...

Thank you to Amber, Anne, Antoinette, Cally, Carrie, Emalee, Jennifer G, Jennifer Y, Kamey, Kara, Kim, Lina, Melissa, Michelle, Monica, Tiffany and Virginia for Claire's end of the year winks!

With thanks from Face2Face Yellowknife...

As we say goodbye to 2012, I would like to take the opportunity to give thanks to many...

To you all, those who keep up to date here on my blog as well as our 'likers' on Facebook, for joining us this year and for helping to lend support to one another, we appreciate you beyond words. I wish from the bottom of my heart that this group was not a much needed part of your life or that of a loved one but am grateful for the opportunity to be a small part in your comfort and healing as well as a part of helping you help a family member or friend through a very difficult time in their life.

A big thank you to my co-leader Jennifer for helping to make this group a reality. We shared many doubts, fears and tears in the beginning stages but I know I can speak for us both when I say that those feelings have been overshadowed with gratitude towards you all for making this group a safe, comforting, empathetic and caring space for women and families who have been struck by the tragic loss of one or many precious babies who have left their lives too soon.

We have Galit Rodan (The Yellowknifer), Diana Carolina (CKLB Radio), as well as Allison Devereaux (CBC Radio) to thank for approaching us and giving our stories, our cause and our group a voice.

We would also like to thank the Stanton Territorial Health Authority, the Yellowknife Health and Social Services Authority, the Yellowknife Primary Care Centre and the Frame Lake Community Health Clinic for their outstanding encouragement and support as they circulate our F2F information to those in need.

And a huge thank you to my family for being so very supportive, encouraging, as well as flexible in giving me all that I needed to make this group run smoothly and with success.

I wish you all a gentle, happy, healthy, wonderful new year. I hope that 2013 brings you all that you wish for... and then some.

With thanks beyond measure,
Jaime

It still remains the same...

Claire's new holiday ornaments!

I do random searches throughout the year to find a peanut shaped ornament for Claire for our Christmas tree. I heart tradition and love that she gets to be a part of the holiday season!

I usually find them on Etsy at some point and as soon as I find one that I like, I order it as I know that if I don't do it right away I may miss out. You never know if it is going to be a one of a kind treasure, or if the shop will close it's virtual doors before next Christmas. 

This year I was delighted to not only find a new one, but also discover another that I had put away last year, for this year! (What a mouthful... did you follow that?!) 

Here they are in all of their cuteness!

November lovin'...

Thanks to Maria, Kara, Cally, Caitlin, Melanie, Karin, Dallas, Michelle, Monica, Maureen, Kathy, Wendy, Andrew, Amber, Jennifer and Brandy!

Remembrance Day...

Photo credit: Ann Smart

Last Thursday my boys' school held their Remembrance Day assembly. I have always wondered what the young ones really understand and get out of the experience. This year William (grade 2) must have learned a lot as his little mind was spinning when he returned home...

Jut before dinner the conversation began this way:

"Mommy, at school today our teacher told us to think about someone who died. I thought about Claire. I miss her. I wish she was here."

And then at lights out time it became a much more intense conversation. A flood of questions that I could not answer however they came so quickly out of his little mind and mouth I hardly had time to respond anyway. He had put a lot of thought into this day.

"Mommy, if Claire was here would Lucy be here?"

"I'm not sure, William."

"Oh, 'cause if she was here and Lucy was here that would be crazy! I would have 2 baby sisters?! Imagine if they were both named Claire because you like that name? We would call Claire and both would come and then we would have to say no not you Claire, you Claire! But mommy, if Claire was here and we didn't have Lucy, umm, hm, I would miss her. Mommy if people die can we make them come back to life? Because if we did I would want Claire to come back. And then I would have 2 baby sisters. And mommy how do people die?"

"People die for all sorts of reasons but in the end their heart breaks and doesn't pump any more blood."

'So you burn them to ashes? Or bury them in a graveyard? Why isn't Claire in a graveyard? Daddy said she is ashes 'cause she got burned. Maybe she is in a graveyard at the hospital?"

"No baby, she's not."

"Well, I wish she was because you know those flowers we got at school? I would bring it to her graveyard and put it in her grass. Because that is what you do with them. Is the graveyard by that big place where people go sliding? Can we go there? Can I see it?"

"That's really nice baby and yes, I will take you there to see it one day."

 "Okay, mommy, goodnight."

10 minutes after he was tucked into bed he came out of his room:

"Daddy? Can people have a graveyard in their yard?"

It just kept spinning...

___________

Oh. my. heart.

It's taken a week to write this post because I am still so sad about this conversation. It stirred up a lot in me. I too have been spinning.

I wish we had a resting place for her.

We were given the choice to send her wee body out for an autopsy but if we did we would not be able to have her returned to us. We wanted to know what happened so we sent her away.

The results gave us no answers... so it almost feels as though we sent her away for nothing and we got nothing in return.

And what gets me is that I know of others who had their babe sent away and sent back... why not our baby? I hate to think of what became of her little self. It eats away at me more and more, especially now that our children are starting to question.

What answers do we have to give them?

We don't know?

We don't know.

October lovin'...

Lovin' brought to us this month by: Antoinette, Bethany, Cally, Carrie, Janell, Jennifer, Kylie, Lisa & Colin, Mandi, Mary, Matthew, Michelle A-R, Michelle W, Molly, Rachel, Shawna, Tracey, Vanessa, Virginia, and Wendy!

Thanks everyone!!

Day 31- Sunset(ish)...

  

Good night Sweet Baby Girl. Mommy loves you. ♥
 
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada
 9:14 pm (a little late due to Halloween festivities)

Day 30- Your Grief - Tell The World

Day 29- Music

(I cannot credit the photo as I cannot find the original source!)

These 4 songs make me happysad...

All I Want For Christmas - any version by any artist

 Tattoo - Jordin Sparks

If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

Wintersong- Sarah McLachlan

To view videos of each song, read the lyrics that mean the most to me, 

and learn how each one touches me, click on the post links below:

A Christmas carol with new meaning...

Day 1 of "Thirty posts in thirty days"....

Joy and pain all rolled into one...

Today's trigger...

Wintersong

Perfect tuning and timing...

Day 28- Memory

The first words I uttered when I saw her...

 "She has the most perfect little hands."

Those handprints,
(her left hand in particular as I held it the entire time she was with me)
 left forever marks on my heart.

Day 27- Artwork

Lovingly made by my children for the little sister they never got to meet,

  yet whom they love beyond measure...

Day 26 -Their Age

Claire was born at 17 weeks gestation.

Picture and information below courtesy of Baby Zone

Around this time your baby's ears pop from his head and Baby-to-be can now sense sounds. 

After all, he has plenty to listen to in utero! He's accustomed to the strong beating of your heart, blood rushing through your veins, and your stomach grumbling. 

He can also discern sounds outside the uterus, like your voice and music. 

Although, according to the Mayo Clinic, whether he can distinguish the sound of your voice

versus other sounds is not yet clear.

On average, most moms are feeling fetal movement by week 17. 

Kick, little one, kick!

This week your little one weighs in at around 5 ounces 

and stretches to just over 5 inches (crown to rump). 

He is about the size of a red onion.

_________________________

Had she been born on her due date, today she would be:

2 years, 7 months and 16 days old...

Full on Terrible Twos heading towards the Trying Threes.
I would welcome these stages with open arms.
If only...

Day 25- Baby Shower/Blessing

Our tradition is to host the baby shower once the babe has arrived so s/he 

can be seen and touched and ooh and ahh'd over. 

Since she never came home, she never got showered.

Another memory stolen from us.

Another of the many photos we were never able to take.

Day 24- Siblings

Claire's siblings from tallest to smallest:

Molly, William, Matthew, and our Rainbow Lucy.

 A huge shout out to my friend and super talented photographer, 

Caitlin Cleveland, 

for being able to catch them...

all in one picture, 

all standing still,

all facing forward,

all smiling,

and all at the same time! 

No easy task!

To check out Caitlin's fabulous work follow the links below:

Caitlin Cleveland Photography

Facebook Page

Day 23- Their Name/Their Photo

We do not publicly share Claire's photos so I have chosen my favorite photo of her name. 

Besides my photos of her, this is my most treasured
 as it was taken on her estimated due date, in her hometown 

and made with love by my hands.

To read/see a slideshow about that due date click here.

To read about the project that I began click here.

And sadly, to read about why the project came to an end read here.
(I just realized this post would have worked for Day 19 as well!)

To see more photos of Claire's name written
by wonderful BLMs from around the world
check out her name gallery here.

Day 22- Place of Care/Birth

Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada

Day 21- Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

Everything that is her is here.