It still remains the same...

Claire's new holiday ornaments!

I do random searches throughout the year to find a peanut shaped ornament for Claire for our Christmas tree. I heart tradition and love that she gets to be a part of the holiday season!

I usually find them on Etsy at some point and as soon as I find one that I like, I order it as I know that if I don't do it right away I may miss out. You never know if it is going to be a one of a kind treasure, or if the shop will close it's virtual doors before next Christmas. 

This year I was delighted to not only find a new one, but also discover another that I had put away last year, for this year! (What a mouthful... did you follow that?!) 

Here they are in all of their cuteness!

November lovin'...

Thanks to Maria, Kara, Cally, Caitlin, Melanie, Karin, Dallas, Michelle, Monica, Maureen, Kathy, Wendy, Andrew, Amber, Jennifer and Brandy!

Remembrance Day...

Photo credit: Ann Smart

Last Thursday my boys' school held their Remembrance Day assembly. I have always wondered what the young ones really understand and get out of the experience. This year William (grade 2) must have learned a lot as his little mind was spinning when he returned home...

Jut before dinner the conversation began this way:

"Mommy, at school today our teacher told us to think about someone who died. I thought about Claire. I miss her. I wish she was here."

And then at lights out time it became a much more intense conversation. A flood of questions that I could not answer however they came so quickly out of his little mind and mouth I hardly had time to respond anyway. He had put a lot of thought into this day.

"Mommy, if Claire was here would Lucy be here?"

"I'm not sure, William."

"Oh, 'cause if she was here and Lucy was here that would be crazy! I would have 2 baby sisters?! Imagine if they were both named Claire because you like that name? We would call Claire and both would come and then we would have to say no not you Claire, you Claire! But mommy, if Claire was here and we didn't have Lucy, umm, hm, I would miss her. Mommy if people die can we make them come back to life? Because if we did I would want Claire to come back. And then I would have 2 baby sisters. And mommy how do people die?"

"People die for all sorts of reasons but in the end their heart breaks and doesn't pump any more blood."

'So you burn them to ashes? Or bury them in a graveyard? Why isn't Claire in a graveyard? Daddy said she is ashes 'cause she got burned. Maybe she is in a graveyard at the hospital?"

"No baby, she's not."

"Well, I wish she was because you know those flowers we got at school? I would bring it to her graveyard and put it in her grass. Because that is what you do with them. Is the graveyard by that big place where people go sliding? Can we go there? Can I see it?"

"That's really nice baby and yes, I will take you there to see it one day."

 "Okay, mommy, goodnight."

10 minutes after he was tucked into bed he came out of his room:

"Daddy? Can people have a graveyard in their yard?"

It just kept spinning...

___________

Oh. my. heart.

It's taken a week to write this post because I am still so sad about this conversation. It stirred up a lot in me. I too have been spinning.

I wish we had a resting place for her.

We were given the choice to send her wee body out for an autopsy but if we did we would not be able to have her returned to us. We wanted to know what happened so we sent her away.

The results gave us no answers... so it almost feels as though we sent her away for nothing and we got nothing in return.

And what gets me is that I know of others who had their babe sent away and sent back... why not our baby? I hate to think of what became of her little self. It eats away at me more and more, especially now that our children are starting to question.

What answers do we have to give them?

We don't know?

We don't know.

October lovin'...

Lovin' brought to us this month by: Antoinette, Bethany, Cally, Carrie, Janell, Jennifer, Kylie, Lisa & Colin, Mandi, Mary, Matthew, Michelle A-R, Michelle W, Molly, Rachel, Shawna, Tracey, Vanessa, Virginia, and Wendy!

Thanks everyone!!

Day 31- Sunset(ish)...

  

Good night Sweet Baby Girl. Mommy loves you. ♥
 
Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada
 9:14 pm (a little late due to Halloween festivities)

Day 30- Your Grief - Tell The World

Day 29- Music

(I cannot credit the photo as I cannot find the original source!)

These 4 songs make me happysad...

All I Want For Christmas - any version by any artist

 Tattoo - Jordin Sparks

If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

Wintersong- Sarah McLachlan

To view videos of each song, read the lyrics that mean the most to me, 

and learn how each one touches me, click on the post links below:

A Christmas carol with new meaning...

Day 1 of "Thirty posts in thirty days"....

Joy and pain all rolled into one...

Today's trigger...

Wintersong

Perfect tuning and timing...

Day 28- Memory

The first words I uttered when I saw her...

 "She has the most perfect little hands."

Those handprints,
(her left hand in particular as I held it the entire time she was with me)
 left forever marks on my heart.

Day 27- Artwork

Lovingly made by my children for the little sister they never got to meet,

  yet whom they love beyond measure...

Day 26 -Their Age

Claire was born at 17 weeks gestation.

Picture and information below courtesy of Baby Zone

Around this time your baby's ears pop from his head and Baby-to-be can now sense sounds. 

After all, he has plenty to listen to in utero! He's accustomed to the strong beating of your heart, blood rushing through your veins, and your stomach grumbling. 

He can also discern sounds outside the uterus, like your voice and music. 

Although, according to the Mayo Clinic, whether he can distinguish the sound of your voice

versus other sounds is not yet clear.

On average, most moms are feeling fetal movement by week 17. 

Kick, little one, kick!

This week your little one weighs in at around 5 ounces 

and stretches to just over 5 inches (crown to rump). 

He is about the size of a red onion.

_________________________

Had she been born on her due date, today she would be:

2 years, 7 months and 16 days old...

Full on Terrible Twos heading towards the Trying Threes.
I would welcome these stages with open arms.
If only...

Day 25- Baby Shower/Blessing

Our tradition is to host the baby shower once the babe has arrived so s/he 

can be seen and touched and ooh and ahh'd over. 

Since she never came home, she never got showered.

Another memory stolen from us.

Another of the many photos we were never able to take.

Day 24- Siblings

Claire's siblings from tallest to smallest:

Molly, William, Matthew, and our Rainbow Lucy.

 A huge shout out to my friend and super talented photographer, 

Caitlin Cleveland, 

for being able to catch them...

all in one picture, 

all standing still,

all facing forward,

all smiling,

and all at the same time! 

No easy task!

To check out Caitlin's fabulous work follow the links below:

Caitlin Cleveland Photography

Facebook Page

Day 23- Their Name/Their Photo

We do not publicly share Claire's photos so I have chosen my favorite photo of her name. 

Besides my photos of her, this is my most treasured
 as it was taken on her estimated due date, in her hometown 

and made with love by my hands.

To read/see a slideshow about that due date click here.

To read about the project that I began click here.

And sadly, to read about why the project came to an end read here.
(I just realized this post would have worked for Day 19 as well!)

To see more photos of Claire's name written
by wonderful BLMs from around the world
check out her name gallery here.

Day 22- Place of Care/Birth

Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, Canada

Day 21- Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space

Everything that is her is here.

Day 20- Charity/Organization

For any woman, any loss, anywhere.

Find their webpage here.

 With the encouragement and help of FOLFOH, I, along with another local babyloss mom,

have been able to reach out to other mothers seeking support 

by starting our own Face2Face Friendship Group. 

You can find more info in the header above or you can find us on Facebook here.

Day 19- Project

I have not yet been able to put full focus, expense, effort, and energy into starting the project
I would like to begin however it is my hope to start collecting bears and along with the help
of my mother, who so kindly volunteered her sewing skills, to accompany these bears with
small blankets to donate to our local hospital so that families who have suffered a loss will
be able to leave the hospital with something in their arms to bring them a little comfort
 in their darkest days and have a treasured item to keep for a lifetime.

 One day, project Claire's Bears will become a reality.

To view a project I used to do but unfortunately had to give up, for my safety,
check out Day 23.

Day 18- Your Family Portrait

Claire is always with us in spirit and in ink! ;)

 

Thank you to my beautiful in every way, very patient, BFF extraordinaire, Caitlin the uber talented photographer, for the fabulous family photos! How you were able to find a few gems among the nose picks, tears, boogers, eye rolls, hair adjustments, etc. is beyond me and I am beyond thankful!

To check out more of her fantastic work follow the links below:

Caitlin Cleveland Photography

Facebook Page

Day 17- Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

Most are spent outside enjoying time together.

Original EDD - March 10, 2010 - read/view slideshow here.

First Birthday - October 1, 2010 - read/view slideshow here.

EDD #2 - March 10, 2011 - read here.

Second Birthday - October 1, 2011 - read/view pictures here.

EDD #3 - March 10, 2012 - read here.

Third Birthday - October 1, 2012 - read/view pictures here.