F2F get together #2...

Our next get together will be this Saturday July 14th, 2012. If you or someone you know is interested in attending please email me at homh@me.com for further details.

We look forward to sharing.

June lovin'...

Thanks for the June lovin', Jen, Kara, Heather (x2), Molly (x2), Jill, Jen & Irene, Monica W-A, Emalee, Antoinette, Sheila, Michelle, Jennifer (x2), Trisha, Monica F-M, Christa and Amanda!

F2F recap...

Image courtesy of Clipart Of...

Do you call it a success if people show up and everyone ends up in tears? The word success is usually accompanied with warm happy feelings of accomplishment, not sadness however...

I think that having 2 wonderful new friends show up to a stranger's house to meet with others who have lost can be considered a success as we formed new friendships, we leaned on one another emotionally as we all bravely shared our stories, and we were able to squeeze in a few smiles and some laughter too.

I am thankful for these ladies who courageously showed up when they weren't sure if it was something they thought they could do. I am thankful that they opened up and let us in on their most private moments, thoughts, and feelings. I am thankful that even though our stories are all very different we were able to accept, validate, and honor one anothers losses as lost lives and much loved children. I am thankful they took a chance and put their trust in us and the service we are providing.

I wish we could have all met under different circumstances however I am pleased that we now have one another to chat with about our babies and our lives since losing them.

Thank you, thank you both.

For anyone who may be interested in joining us next month, please watch for details on our Facebook page here or check back in on the Face2Face Yellowknife tab in the nav bar above. 

F2F Yellowknife Meeting Details...

This Saturday will be the first get together of Face2Face Yellowknife, a social group for families and friends who have lost a baby or infant.

Jennifer and I are looking forward to meeting other bereaved family members and friends looking for a safe and open environment in which to chat about our babies and our lives since losing them.

If you or someone you know is interested in attending please join our Facebook group here:

Face2Face Yellowknife

or please send me an email to the address below for details:

homh@me.com

We look forward to meeting you!

Her middle name...

When Claire was born we didn't name her right away. We were so overwhelmed and so distraught that the last thing on our minds was what we were going to name her. The next day, after leaving the hospital, we decided that we couldn't refer to her as Li'l Peanut for the rest of our lives and that she deserved a name. So Claire she became and we both felt great about having made the decision to give our daughter a name of her own.

We didn't give her a middle name.
I didn't think of it at the time.
She had a name and I was happy with it.

After time though I noticed that a lot of BLMs referred to their children using both their first and middle name and it made me start to feel a little bad that we had never given Claire a middle name too. If she had lived she would have been given one so it only seemed fair.

I didn't want to make an issue out of it so I put it to rest.

Well, a couple of days ago Andrew told me that him and the boys were talking about everyone's middle names and then they asked what Claire's was. I asked him how he responded and he said that he didn't really and the boys just moved on. I mentioned that in all of the turmoil we didn't really think of it and he said yes and no on his part. In his family it is tradition to give the child a middle name that honors a grandparent or other family member as a way of passing those names down and since she will never be able to pass it down he didn't feel it was right to do so... too sad of a thought. I thought about it for a minute or 2 and then suggested that we give her my maiden name as her middle name. I have always wanted to do so with one of our children (we had actually intended on using it if our Rainbow had been a boy). Andrew agreed right away, he thought is was a nice idea.

Another little piece to her life puzzle is filled (a little over 2.5 years later... better late than never, right?) And now if and when the subject comes up again we can share her full and complete name with the children...

May lovin'...

 

Thank you to Kathy and Cam, Vanessa, Amanda M, Fiona and Molly, Monica, Tanya, Michelle R, Antoinette (x2), Elaine, Nicole, Amber, Angie (x2) and Amanda H.

Not the only one... my fish feelings validated!

I just finished reading Knocked up. Knocked down. I cried, I laughed, I was shocked (in a few offbeat funny ways!) and I once again felt a little refreshed in knowing that I am not alone and/or crazy!

The author, Monica is honest, waaaay open, sarcastic, dry and blunt. I have to be honest, there were a few times I found her approach and dealings with her losses almost cold but I know better than to judge anyone trying to go through the motions and get through life on a daily basis after a loss... let alone 2 losses. I know we all get through in our own way so I completely respect her for totally telling it like it is. I kind of admire her actually as I tend to hold back sometimes for fear that I might hurt someone's feelings while trying to deal with my own.

Hm. Blogging really is therapy.

One quick chapter was like a chapter right out of my own life. Monica was talking about the fish in the pond on the side of her house, the fish that she never really cared about as they are just fish, (much like I feel) and about checking in on them shorty after her baby had died only to discover that they were dying, one at a time, every couple of days, until there was only one fish left. Her feelings of hurt and loss and failed responsibility were so like mine when we had 2 fish 'sagas' in our home after Claire's death.

"I run inside and throw myself on the bed, sobbing quietly, feeling awful. Sad about the state of the world, the death that seems to be all around me, the profound loss of not just my fetus, but an entire clan of goldfish." (p19)

I could so easily relate. I sometimes felt silly and as if I had overreacted a bit when we had a few fish deaths after Claire had died but I just could not help myself or my feelings at the time. I took it personally. I was really angry and very upset on more than one occasion, (so much so that I had to apologize in advance in my blog post for the offensive language. Yup, that mad!). I felt like death was taking over. I felt flooded. The waves of grief took over again and again and all over a silly little pet fish! However, obviously I was not the only one in the world that it happened to and who had a negative reaction to it...

Feelings validated √
Thank you √

Reading my 2 fish posts, Stupid F'in Fish and No. More. Claire. Fish. Period!, brings me right back to that time and place and head space. It still hurts my heart. And if you have never lost a baby you probably will think that I am crazy (as I have thought of myself on more than one occasion!) and I'm alright with that. You don't have to get it and I hope you never do.

One more 'and'... in case you are wondering, the fish tank has yet to be refilled.
I just can't go there.

3 for 4 and a whole lot of love...

moth·er ¹  (mr)n.

a. A female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child.

b. A female person whose egg unites with a sperm, 
resulting in the conception of a child.

c. A woman who adopts a child.

d. A woman who raises a child.

 

I've got 3 for 4 categories covered.. that's a whole lot to celebrate!

_________________________

My Mother's Day was fabulous! 

I felt the love from every one of my babies in their own unique way.

Andrew, super husband/dad extraordinaire, packed a picnic lunch and drove us out to the Prelude Lake Panoramic Trail while spinning tunes,

William led the way on the hike and tried his hand at photography (he smiles more when he is behind the lens than in front of it!),

 Matthew giggled and made ridiculous faces while sporting one green glove,

Lucy thoroughly enjoyed the view from above in the backpack carrier,

 all the while holding my hand, 

Molly texted to wish me a Happy Step-Mother's Day along with a picture of a wink she found last week and to tell us how much she misses us,

4 heart shaped rocks were found,

as well as a wink in the walkway,

and one on the road,

 and the first butterfly sighting of the summer was seen... 

always at this trail and always in just about the same place...

 and I am never quick enough to snap a pic! 

 _________________________

My heart is full. ♥

I love my beautiful family.

MWMCL ♥

How to define a mother...

Face2Face Yellowknife

 

 

 

 

 

It's official! After a little over 2 years of really wanting to start something up and after 6 months of ironing out life and meeting up after many emails and chats with my local babyloss mom friend Jennifer...

We've done it!

Support for any parent that has suffered the loss of a baby is now available locally! Today we launched 'Face2Face Yellowknife', a social friendship group for local babyloss parents.

We will host informal get togethers on the second Saturday of every month beginning June 9th!

For more information, please join our Facebook page here or check in on the Face2Face Yellowknife tab in the nav bar above.

We would love to have you join us whether you lost your baby 8 years ago or 8 weeks ago, no matter how far along you were.

"A baby's a baby, no matter how small." ~Dr. Seuss

Tasty realization...

William came to realize something this morning...

Claire is 2 years old which means she can now try peanut butter!

Oh how I love the workings of his little mind!

Award winning article!

The article on pregnancy and infant loss that was written in the 'Yellowknifer' this past October about myself and fellow babyloss mom, Jennifer Young, won third place for best feature story at the Alberta Weekly Newspapers Association awards ceremony this past weekend!

Photo credit: Galit Rodan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Congratulations to Galit Rodan for tackling an emotional and taboo subject and for writing such a heartfelt article. We are touched beyond words and are very proud of your accomplishment!

You can find the article here.

All the ones born...

William is working on making a book and wanted to show me what he had done. Included in the book was the following page:

"And Mommy, this is all of the ones born in our family. This is who came first and next and next and next and last!"

(As you can clearly see, he is learning to spell and has a bit of difficulty distinguishing his 'r' sound and 'w' sound! We're working on it!)

He is including Claire more and more lately and it makes me so happy!

IBMD...

What does it stand for?
International Bereaved Mother's Day

What is it?
It is a day for babyloss mom's around the world to celebrate the little lives, our sons and daughters, that could not stay but still make us mothers.

When is it?
The first Sunday of May, every year, everywhere.

Where can I find more information?
Right here.

_______________________________

Yesterday my Facebook News Feed looked absolutely gorgeous! It was an amazing bouquet of beautifully colored flowers. It was filled with love. Bittersweet love because each and every flower represented at least one baby that was lost by one fabulous mother who did everything she could to hold on to her little one for as long as she possibly could... yet she no longer holds that baby in her arms.

It was a day of reflection, of remembrance and sadness, of friendship, and of the love and respect our community has for one another.

It was also a day of awareness and education.

It was a day I am proud to be a part of. I got to send and receive love. I was able to see my Claire's name written numerous times. I was able to share her story with others. I was able to put a smile on a few mother's faces.

IBMD makes my heart happy.
_______________________________
  
I hope that all of my babyloss mother friends around the world had a peaceful International Bereaved Mothers Day. Thank you to you all for helping me through my grief and my healing and for helping me find my hope and my peace. Much love to you and your babies you hold dearly in your heart and who each hold a special place in mine. 

Do you???

Click here to get there!

Yes, you better believe I do!

Francesca has come up with another fabulous resource! Does her creativity, her willingness to support, and her love know no bounds?! I don't think so! On Saturday, at 12:01am, on the second anniversary of the birth of her Sweet Jenna Belle, Franchesca launched Still Standing Online Magazine. A new resource "embracing life after loss & infertility".

"Still Standing Magazine is for any woman who has lost a child, suffered from infertility, and sadly for some who have faced both. The vision for this magazine is to help these women embrace life in the face of tragedy. It will also include segments for grieving fathers, children, grandparents and other family members. It is representative of the resilience in the human heart to survive catastrophe. We are still standing in the midst of our losses and heartaches. And more importantly, we are not standing alone.

Collectively, we have 16 contributing writers from around the world, all bringing something unique to our readers – such as parenting after loss, TTC, pregnancy after loss, coping mechanisms, doing good in your local community, and much more. Each contributor will post on the same day each month (for example – first Tuesday of every month). There will be plenty of room for guest posts and we already have a few community projects underway." ~ Franchesca Cox

Read it. Take part in it. Learn from it. Pass it on.

Get over love?!

"I almost burst out laughing if someone tells me to get over it. How would they feel if I told them to stop loving their child? It just isn't that easy is it? If someone tells you to "Get over it" what they are really trying to say to you is "Your grief is making me feel uncomfortable". You know what... I am pretty sure they will survive :) Don't ever stop loving." ~CarlyMarie Dudley

April lovin'...

Thank you to Michelle (x2), Amanda M., Amanda S., Amy, Talisa, Maria, Nicolle, Brandy, Antoinette, Molly (x2), and Andrew for adding a little love to this month's collage!

Cuddly Clothing Keepsakes...

Many families have a collection of their baby's clothing and blankets and struggle with what to do with them. Keep them boxed up? Pass them down to Rainbow siblings? Pass them on to others? It's a difficult decision when all we want to do is wrap our babies up in them and hold them close...

This is where these new additions to my Keepsakes page may become useful and comforting to you and those close to you.

The following sites are dedicated to making custom teddy bears out of and/or dressed in your baby's clothing. These bears would make fabulous keepsakes for parents, siblings, family members and friends who hold a special place in your heart for the love they share with you and your baby. 

~Memory Bears~

(Teddy Babies)

"This beautiful bear was made in memory of my great nephew.

Bentley only lived 7 hours after birth due to a rare heart condition.

I’ve hand painted Bentley’s footprints on the pad and have weighted

this bear to be Bentley’s weight. I’ve made the bear with part fur and from

a blanket Bentley was held in and then dressed the bear in Bentley’s jammies."

 

Molly Bears

Molly Bears in a non-profit organization that creates custom weighted teddy bears for families who are in need of a cuddle from their angel. 

 

All bears are made possible from donations and are sent to families free of charge (international shipping not included). 

 

Please consider making a donation in order for this fabulous organization to continue to bring smiles and cuddles to the hundreds of families who are currently on the wait list as well as those who will be added every day.

 

'The' Molly bear!

Molly's mommy, Bridget, surrounded by a few of the hundreds of custom weighted bears that have been made for families who have lost their little ones since Molly Bears officially began in August of 2010.

To be placed on the wait list for your own Molly Bear follow this link.

 

The Patchwork Bear  

 

Send in 6-10 of your favorite articles of clothing and your totally customized memory bear will be created in honor of your sweet baby.

 

The Patchwork Bear makes custom quilts out of your clothing as well.

________________

A tangible little something to wrap your arms around with oh so much meaning.

 

More than a love of Star Wars in common...

William had his best friend Brady over on Saturday. They were playing around the table while I was making Claire's March winks collage. William was showing his buddy all of the hearts that were found this month and then told Brady that they were for his sister that died...

Brady then said, "I have a brother that died."

W-   "You do?"
B-    "Yes. His name is Mason."
W -  "He was a baby too?"
B-    "Yes, he came before me but he was a baby too."
W-   "My sister Claire came after me. She died too. How old is she now mommy?"
Me-  "2."
W-    "Yah, 2. We go out to Prelude to celebrate her birthday. We have peanut butter cupcakes!!"
B-     "We have cake for Mason's birthday too. And we go to our cabin. He's 8."
W-    "I didn't know you had a brother that died?!?"
B-     "Yah."

Ugh... do I cry or smile?

I am so sad that this is the reality for William and Brady, yet relieved that they have this in common. I will never have to worry about his feelings getting hurt if he talks about Claire with Brady or his family because they don't know how to handle the conversation. I will never worry that his friend might think he is 'weird'. I will never have to worry that Meredith and Jeff will think it is odd that he knows about or talks about his little sister that he never met. Although William doesn't talk about Claire all that often, it eases my heart to know that if he does with them that they too get it and they are comfortable talking about and celebrating Mason's life too.

To them, it was just another conversation, a quick chat and then they moved on... to Star Wars Lego, of course!

To me it is a conversation that lingers and will last... 

March lovin'...

Thank you to Karen (x6), Lina, Nicolle (x2), Jack, Kylie, Heather (x2), Meagan, Michelle (x2), Anne, and Antoinette (x2) for sending Claire's love our way this month!! She is everywhere!!

In the middle...

2 babies born this week... both with the middle name Claire.

Love it, yet jealous.
Simple as that.

Thoughts on my thoughts...

[image courtesy of Davide Restivo]

I read the following line in a fellow BLM's post a couple of weeks ago:

"I don't remember what I thought about before I thought about her."

It has made me really wonder? I am sure there were many, many things on my mind at any given minute but since losing Claire it seems as though any spare second I have is filled with her.

The wishes.
The what-ifs.
The if-onlys.
The what-should-bes.
The never-will-bes.
The future.

The void of her loss has taken up so much space in my head.
If she were here she would take up a lot of the space too, I know, but instead of getting caught up in thoughts I would just be living.

Hm. Who really puts the time into thinking about or analyzing why they are thinking about something? Just another BLM thing, I guess.

3 new treasures...

Always on the search for Claire's name to be written, I stumbled across 3 more creative and heartfelt sites! I love that every site has a story, that each of the women offering these services is doing so in honor of their little one(s) who has gone too soon. They truly understand the impact it has on us BLMs to see our baby's name written. Each is unique, each offers a little insight into their family and what is important to them. Each treasure is made with love.

Stitches of Love
Isn't this sweet?!

The Truffula Tree
Our family went to see The Lorax (We looooved it! We read the book at least once a week!) and the very next day I found this site. I put in my request and Claire's pom picture came to me on her EDD... what a perfect little treat to brighten my day!

Writing on the Wall 

I am still in the process of trying to figure out what I would like written on my baby board... here are a few examples of Misty's wonderful, fully customizable work:

To find links to all of these treasures and more, they can be found on Claire's Name Gallery as well as on the Keepsakes page.

Random thoughts throughout today...

...the second anniversary of your Estimated Due Date...

~ Today, we should be having a birthday party for you. Whether you had been born on this date or within a couple of days on either side, it's Saturday and a good day for a party.

~ Thank you to my BLMs. I know you all get my feelings and my fears. 

It feels good to be understood.

~ You had the most perfect little hands. 

How I wish I could hold them again, my sweet baby girl.

~ Thank you to my little sister for reaching out. You are so good.

LYSMLS

March birthstone - aquamarine.

~ I wish I could have a few minutes alone to just think, really think.

~ Time to 'come clean' to a friend.

~ What went wrong?

~ I want to hold you again... if only for a moment. I want to see you and touch you and kiss you and etch you into my mind all over again. Time passes and I feel so far away from you. I have photos, I have memories, I have keepsakes but it's still so hard to picture you, your weight, your features. 

I want you back.

~ Tears, tears, tears...

~ It's a beautiful day and I wish you could be here to play in the snow with us. 

March birth flower - daffodil.

~ Thank you mom. I too wish you could have met and gotten to know Claire. I know how very much you love your grandchildren, she would have been a lucky little lady to grow up having you in her life... Smarties and all! ;)

~ A friend just posted pictures of her newborn baby girl next to her Li'l Peanut doll... the same one we have for you. I wish baby 'A' well as she has just been moved from intensive NICU to the intermediate care NICU.

~ Thank you for the reassuring phone call. xo

March's tree is the Weeping Willow.

~ Would you have gotten your daddy's thick hair? Would it be in pretty little pig tails today? Or would you still be bald just like Mommy was when she was 2?!

~ 2 years ago today I was due, I live every day missing you.

~ I hug your little sister and feel so much love and so much guilt... it's so unfair.

~ I am so thankful for family, and friends old and new... sounds so cliché... is there any other way of saying it to show how above and beyond and high and wide and far this thankfulness goes?

March 10th - Pices

~ Touching words: "You were so lucky to have been given each other; for you, a sweet little angel to forever love, and for her, a mommy who couldn't possibly love her more. A perfect match. Sending you wishes for a quiet moment of peace & happiness before you fall asleep tonight....xo"

~ I wish Daddy had not had to work today so we could have all gone out to Prelude Lake. It's our special family Claire place/hike/lookout point and it brings me a lot of comfort to be there on your special days. Next time...

~ If you had been born 10 days late, 

you and your Daddy would have shared a birth date. 

~ "You were a life made of our love." 

~ I wish you were here... every day it's the same wish.

~ I could go on and on and I am sure my head will until the wee hours...

~ Good night baby girl, mommy loves you. 

Inward agony...

... or rather the feelings I thought would be easier to handle this year.

No, this year is worse. No one remembers except for me. Not that anyone else should have it written in their calendar. There is nothing to celebrate tomorrow, really. Woohoo... let's celebrate the day that you never came into our lives to stay because you arrived more than 2 years ago instead. Dead.

I'm so sad and mad and anxious and frustrated today. Today? Realistically, honestly, my stomach has been in knots for a while now. My patience gone, my mind wandering, and I haven't said a word. I have bottled it up out of fear that someone, somewhere, may even inwardly think,

"Still? Really?"

So here I sit, surrounded by my beautiful babies, listening to my boys giggle as they make a cabin under the table with every blanket in the house, watching my youngest girl 'read' books (topless!) in her little chair... and the tears are flowing. And no one notices. It's just another day of discovery, imagination and play. And for the most part, I wouldn't want it any other way...

Except Claire is not here and tomorrow should be her 2nd birthday.

So I guess I haven't really forgotten the feelings after all:

Emptiness
Agony
Sadness
Loneliness

Grateful for those I can hold every day.
Devastated for my one tiny daughter who was never here to stay.

Their forever gifts...

Heart shaped heart cells!

"During pregnancy, cells sneak across the placenta. The fetus's cells enter the mother and the mother's cells enter the baby -- and stay there for life. In mothers, fetal cells often take residence in her lungs, spinal cord, skin, thyroid gland, liver, intestine, cervix, gallbladder, spleen, lymph nodes, and blood vessels. The baby's cells may also live a lifetime in Mom's heart and brain..."

Thank you for the most amazing gifts, Little Love, William, Matthew, Claire, and Lucy. Knowing that real, live, tangible pieces of each and every one of you will forever be with me brings me more comfort than you can every begin to imagine.

PS To read more about how fetal cells can heal a mother click here.

PPS The heart shaped heart cells pictured above are not those described here but I thought they were pretty fitting to the context. To find out what causes heart cells to form this shape click on the link below the picture.

February lovin'...