My Ladies...

 

I cannot find the proper words to show the depth of appreciation and love I have for my girlfriends. Knowing I can run to them any time makes my days easier. There really are no words to express how much our bond means to me.

Most of us have been friends since elementary school. We know one another inside out, backwards, and upside down. Anything goes, all topics are on the table, all laughs all the time. 

The pic above was taken at my wedding reception back in June of 2006. Not all of my Ladies were able to make it but I thought about you all throughout the night. A song or dance move would come about and remind me of one or many of you, or a story from the past would be brought up, many memories, many good times!

Tonight was the night for those of us that live in town to get together for some much needed quality time to talk about the good, the bad and the ugly.
That and to eat enough food to feed a small village. Again, we thought of all of you who were missing...

Why can’t we all live together again? Somewhere warm? With not a care in the world? Where we could all live happily ever after? Oh, right, because fairy tales are tales, after all!

That being said, I am so grateful to have you all in my life. You make the most difficult days a little easier. Knowing I can call upon any one of you at any time and that you will be there to listen with an open mind and a huge heart means everything  to me.

Thanks Evelyne, Brandy and Cygni for a fantastic evening.
Tracey, sorry you couldn’t make it.
And to the rest of you, you were missed but not forgotten!

Love you lots.
xo

Holiday cheer?

So those who know me, know my love of t.v. and my love of Christmas!
Last night was the Grey’s Anatomy Christmas episode and I was a mess. Not just because Grey’s gets me every. single. week. but because all I could think was, Christmas without Claire? Really?

I was sooo looking forward to having the uber cute baby bump in a Christmas dress. Instead I am left with finding something that will fit my body as it is today.. extra weight and no reason for it.

I am ecstatic to have found a special peanut shaped ornament to put on the tree for Claire this year. And so very thankful to one of my BFFs Kim, and her future sister-in-law, Rebecca, and Rebecca’s best friend Mimi for getting it to me! What a process! Ordering from the US is not always the easiest route however SO well worth it!

As happy as I am to have it though, I am sad that I have to put it on the tree knowing she will never be around to see it. I am not a religious person so the whole, “she’ll be there in spirit looking down at you”, does not comfort me much. I hate to sound like such a downer but that is how I am feeling and I need to get it out.

I am sure that when the time comes to place that little ornament on the tree I will shed a few tears... and then bawl my eyes out once everyone else has gone to bed! It will be a good cry though.

Who knew there would be a demand out there for peanut shaped Christmas ornaments?! Who knew how much better I would feel about facing the holidays knowing I’ve got one in my house?!  :)

It saddens me that she will never be here for our Christmas Eve family games night. We will never see the joy on her face opening presents on Christmas morning with her sister and brothers. She will never have Christmas dinner at her great aunt and uncle’s, or New Year’s Day brunch with her grandparents and aunt.

I love Christmas so much. It puts a smile on my face thinking of putting up the tree and spending time with my family by Christmas tree light, tearing up at Christmas music (yes, I am that much of a sap!), watching Christmas movies (Love Actually, Serendipity, The Holiday, The Family Stone, Four Christmases, The Grinch, Shrek the Halls, The Polar Express... you get it!)

Seeing people smile and laugh and get together more often than usual makes me wish that we could play out the holidays in slow motion.

I fear that my sadness will outweigh any joy I am feeling... that the empty feeling will feel even more overwhelming than usual. However, how can I not be happy with my kiddos around?! Their happiness, joy, awe, and excitement about the holiday season is contagious... and that is the one thing I DO want to catch this year!

Waking up sad...

I woke up crying this morning.
There is nothing I want more than to go back to bed, curl up, and cry my eyes out. I am tired. I am grumpy. I am sad. So, so sad.

I want Claire back. I wish she was still growing in my belly. I would have been 24 weeks pregnant today. I would have been feeling her kick and tumble around. I would still be trying to guess if she were a boy or a girl, if she would look like Andrew or like me or a combo. If she would be born blonde like one brother or an unexplained curly black like the other (who’s hair is now blonde too!?)

Instead of gaining baby weight I am gaining “I don’t give a crap about anything” weight. Ugh. I know what needs to be done on that front, I just don’t have the energy or the will to get started again.

On the up side? ANTM finale tonight! This roller coaster has to have some highs, right?!

As long as s/he is healthy...

People always ask pregnant women if they want a girl or a boy. Most just assumed that since I already have 2 boys that I would want to have a girl.
My response? “Sure, I’d love to have a girl but as long as the baby is healthy, that’s all I really want.” Pretty standard response, right?

Was that were I went wrong? She was obviously unhealthy and my wish was obviously granted.

Moral of the story: Be careful what you wish for.

Sleepless...

Here I am... up late again.
I am finding it hard to get to bed/sleep once again. I feel anxious and upset and when I lay in bed my head replays everything about Claire’s birth and the little time we had with her all over again.

Wednesdays are particularly hard on me. I find myself looking at the clock all day recounting in my mind what I was doing at that exact hour on “that” day.

It is comforting in a way. I am so afraid I will forget.

In another way, I just want my brain to shut down for a bit and let me get some much needed sleep.

Much needed support...

It was late, I was up, I couldn’t sleep.
I decided to visit the Angel Baby website. I had been on a couple of times and noticed a live chat room but I am in Canada and they are in Australia... the time difference never gave me a chance to connect with anyone... while I am awake, they are asleep and vice versa.

I found out from the ladies online that midnight my time is the best time to connect as it is 8 pm for them and that is usually when the live chat is in full swing!

Those that I chatted with have all suffered a loss. They all understood how I was feeling. They offered encouragement, advice, and much needed support. So I guess the time difference isn’t so bad after all... they are all awake and online when I need them the most.

When I woke up, I found a message awaiting me asking how I had slept. It was comforting to make connections... a world away! Ahh, the kindness of strangers!

Check them out if you are ever in need...

http://community.ourangelbaby.org/

Hitting a wall...

For almost 2 weeks now I have been unable to cry. I am not sure why. However last night, the floodgates opened again. I am really sad again. I know life must go on and I want to move forward but so much of me wants to go back. I want a "do over". Even if it meant that Claire still could not be here, I want to go and get that time back.
I am still clinging to the fact that I don't have the blanket she was first handed to me on. I wish I had it. Would it make things better? Probably not but I tend to dwell on the little things and make them into big things and then they become all consuming. A blanket would not fill the void, I know, but it was a part of her. It is now all washed up and swaddling other babies. I am jealous.

There is so much that I want to do as far as publishing this website and potentially starting a support group for bereaved families in Yellowknife. I also want to get October 15th recognized in Yellowknife and all of the NT, if possible. I want to organize a Wave of Light Celebration in town for next year. I feel overwhelmed because I want to get it done and I want to do it well and I don't know where to begin and I don't know if I am even qualified to do any of it! (Yes, again with the confidence issues!... or lack thereof!)

Day by day. I can only do so much. I have to stop being so hard on myself. So much to work on... myself included!

Results...

We went to the doctor today for Claire's autopsy results. They came back as "a random act". I went in thinking I would like a definitive answer however walking away from the appointment I am relieved that there wasn't one.

Why not...

“Why not see the common threads that tie us together as opposed to what is different about our experiences?”

In my travels though Blogland, I noticed this written. It really made me think a lot about loss and how we think no one can relate because no one’s experience could have been just like ours. And while our experiences are all so different and we all feel so alone most of the time, we are all in the same devastating boat.

Something to think about...